Picture taken by my friend Cyndi Leos....thank you Cyndi.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Brailling My Way Through...

I haven't written much lately...I am searching for answers and I don't have any. I have been posting quotes, poems, trying to put "my best foot forward" and stay positive. Hoping some enlightenment comes my way. I have been afraid to write what I feel, for fear my depression, lack of direction  (or whatever I perceive this to be) would bleed through.  Today, I don't seem to care, so here goes...

If I am seeking my truth, I certainly cannot hide from it.  My feelings are my feelings, right?  I am allowed  "down time".  Maybe I have already become too boring. My initial motivation for this blog is to discover and explore. I want to dig around and question my reality. Just "hoping for the best" is not good enough.  I want to peel back layers. I want to unearth and examine.  I admit my frustration at not finding any answers, but I WILL find them. I will risk judgment. I need to know. I want my life to have meaning and purpose.

I feel I am blindfolded some times, bumping into the days in my life, with little making much sense. I feel, many days, I just am Brailling my way through my life.. Often, if we can't see some thing, we don't trust it.  I feel some thing coming, I just don't know what it is or when it will arrive.  I must remember to have faith and trust my instincts. Times like this, I get impatient and is not happening fast enough for me...

I have been "busying myself" working on my office, and de-cluttering. Things I do when I feel out of control or aimless.  My office is where I spend the majority of my time.  I am always on the computer and often listening to music or have something on the TV.  I am trying to make it more inspiring as I am contemplating doing a book about my Father, who as some of you know, has Alzheimer's. My recent conversation with a published author, confirmed I am on the right path...

I believe when we send our hopes and dreams out into the world, either spoken or in thought.  That energy or motivation, ignites some other energy, and "signs" (for lack of a better word) begin to appear... It's like a seed that is planted.  If the soil is fertile, it will grow.  If we lose interest, it disintegrates and never germinates.

The weather is miserable now, so gathering and outlining are crucial in laying the ground work, and giving the seed time to germinate...the up and down of uncertainty, self doubt, isolation, home sickness, and missing one on one contact, makes the days seem like a thick forest with dense, sharp branches. No path to follow and I must blaze my own trail...

We're in triple digits now. June, July and August are the hottest months all year.  July through September is the monsoon season.  I HATE THE HEAT, so it is another reason to stay in doors. More isolation. Some days, I strip down and return to bed, cooled by the AC and the ceiling fan swirling the cold air around me.  I can go anywhere and do anything in my dreams...

Yesterday, while surfing and visiting the blogs of my blog friends, I happened to read a comment by a woman named DJan, that really touched me.  I went to her blog and was moved to tears. Her honesty and courage in her writing, touched me at my core.  I felt a connection and could relate to so much of what she wrote about...  Do yourself a favor and visit her blog.

After reading both her blogs, I began to write in my journal. I cannot dance around the truth. Time is not on my side. Reading about her sky diving, hiking, and being older than I. She puts her life out there, raw and uncensored, because she wants the answers. I really admire her.

I am growing older and realize I am in the process of figuring out what my life stands for... when ever I write on my blog, and hold myself back, afraid to write what I really want to write, I feel I cheated myself. The disappointment prevents me from moving forward to where I wish to be.

The times I have risked putting out my raw feelings, as I do some times in my poetry, I have gotten feed back from some who get it, and understand. (This is one example of many, why blogging is so important to be.  Meeting people I would never have the opportunity to meet and be invited into their lives.) For some reason, my poetry is not as threatening, as writing is; as I am now...completely exposing myself.  It does set me free feels so good to let it go and let it be.... How else can I be myself?

So many questions flood my mind:

What purpose did I or or will I serve by my presence? 
What difference does my life make?
What have I learned from where I came from?
How can I make my life better?
What will happen when I die?
What is this time and place where I find myself now?
How do I make sense of what filters through me?
How do I make myself better?
Am I destined to live so far from my family?
Is the reason I am here, now, to write this book?
Dare I dream to publish a book?

All these questions are why I started this blog.  My query out to the world. An invitation to gather information, share, learn from others, and from the perspective of the location around us. We learn lessons every day. The strangers, the friends, the family, who reflect who we are as individuals.  Maybe, through our interactions with others, do we really see and understand who we are....


That corgi :) said...

Donna, I think you need to write for you, regardless if anyone reads it or comments on it and explore those questions you addressed here. I wouldn't hold back. I think it might be comforting just to get the thoughts out of your head and onto paper and maybe in the process someone will read it who agrees, disagrees, offers an opinion, states a fact, etc and might help you in the long run. I think we all have those similar questions you listed especially as we age and wonder how could we have gotten at this age already and perhaps regret some decisions, etc.

so I say good for it and write


Donna B said...

Thanks for your input betty. I know, I have to write for myself. I always do in my journals. I'm too hard on myself...I really appreciate what you had to say.

DrSoosie said...

Wow have touched on things we all think all the time. You expressed yourself beautifully and I relate to so much of what you say. I guess as we age we question more and more. Life is becoming shorter for us and we need purpose and understanding to make sense of what and why we are here at all. One thing my husband has always said is that if you think about the odds of us even being million sperm and one egg equals a once in a lifetime chance to visit what we call earth...our is quite amazing and confusing at the same time. I only know that you have friends in the blog world who share some of your depression, confusion, wonder and awe. I think you may have inspired another blog in me...thanks!

Chatty Crone said...

I beg you…to have patience with everything unsolved within your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language, don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them, and the point is, to live everything, live the questions now, perhaps then, someday in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Rainer maria rilke rike rieke

I have been where you are - and I found this writing - I liked it - especially at times when I don't know the answers.

I think you need to write for yourself.


Anonymous said...

Donna, that's an incredible piece of writing. I admire your courage in being so open.

When we're younger we think that when we get older we'll know the answers - come to a state of knowing. But it isn't like that, is it? In reading blogs like the one you linked to above, and yours too, we're reminded that we're all on this journey together, we're not alone in our thoughts and feelings. And you know, that's so cool.


DJan said...

Oh Lordy, another blog I just HAVE to follow. I appreciate your comments on my blogs, and I came to visit, hoping that you wouldn't be as wonderful a writer as you are, because I do feel sometimes overwhelmed with the expanding blogosphere. But you are worth it. Wonderful post here, Donna.

I think we are all using Braille as we feel our way through life. Nobody gave us an instruction manual. I just read about your dad. My parents didn't get out of their sixties, so it wasn't an issue for me. I am thinking of you during this tough time.

gayle said...

Donna, Everyone has said many of my thoughts! So just keep on writing!! We all care about you and you voice what many of us feel!

Holly said...

Hi Sis,

This is what I know...

Your writing has always made me feel like I was having a conversation with you. Like you were right here. You have always been very expressive and honest. I LOVE THE WAY YOU WRITE and as I have said many times...PLEASE write a book about our DAD!!!!

You are a fabulous mother to your two beautiful daughters. You are a wonderful, loving grandmother to your two...almost 3 grandsons. You are a devoted wife, an incredible sister and my best friend.

I don't know why any of us were put on this earth but my belief is that we are "to live our best life". To try our best. To stamp our image into history. At this point, I cannot tell you how proud of you I am for doing such a great job making sure that our Dad is getting the best care possible in this very difficult time of his life. None of us know what we would do without you.

For what ever reason it is out there....the purpose of your life is to continue being YOU! You are amazing, thoughtful, loving, caring, sincere, honest and brave and the BEST SISTER ON THIS PLANET! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.