I haven't written much lately...I am searching for answers and I don't have any. I have been posting quotes, poems, trying to put "my best foot forward" and stay positive. Hoping some enlightenment comes my way. I have been afraid to write what I feel, for fear my depression, lack of direction (or whatever I perceive this to be) would bleed through. Today, I don't seem to care, so here goes...
If I am seeking my truth, I certainly cannot hide from it. My feelings are my feelings, right? I am allowed "down time". Maybe I have already become too boring. My initial motivation for this blog is to discover and explore. I want to dig around and question my reality. Just "hoping for the best" is not good enough. I want to peel back layers. I want to unearth and examine. I admit my frustration at not finding any answers, but I WILL find them. I will risk judgment. I need to know. I want my life to have meaning and purpose.
I feel I am blindfolded some times, bumping into the days in my life, with little making much sense. I feel, many days, I just am Brailling my way through my life.. Often, if we can't see some thing, we don't trust it. I feel some thing coming, I just don't know what it is or when it will arrive. I must remember to have faith and trust my instincts. Times like this, I get impatient and down...it is not happening fast enough for me...
I have been "busying myself" working on my office, and de-cluttering. Things I do when I feel out of control or aimless. My office is where I spend the majority of my time. I am always on the computer and often listening to music or have something on the TV. I am trying to make it more inspiring as I am contemplating doing a book about my Father, who as some of you know, has Alzheimer's. My recent conversation with a published author, confirmed I am on the right path...
I believe when we send our hopes and dreams out into the world, either spoken or in thought. That energy or motivation, ignites some other energy, and "signs" (for lack of a better word) begin to appear... It's like a seed that is planted. If the soil is fertile, it will grow. If we lose interest, it disintegrates and never germinates.
The weather is miserable now, so gathering and outlining are crucial in laying the ground work, and giving the seed time to germinate...the up and down of uncertainty, self doubt, isolation, home sickness, and missing one on one contact, makes the days seem like a thick forest with dense, sharp branches. No path to follow and I must blaze my own trail...
We're in triple digits now. June, July and August are the hottest months all year. July through September is the monsoon season. I HATE THE HEAT, so it is another reason to stay in doors. More isolation. Some days, I strip down and return to bed, cooled by the AC and the ceiling fan swirling the cold air around me. I can go anywhere and do anything in my dreams...
Yesterday, while surfing and visiting the blogs of my blog friends, I happened to read a comment by a woman named DJan, that really touched me. I went to her blog and was moved to tears. Her honesty and courage in her writing, touched me at my core. I felt a connection and could relate to so much of what she wrote about...http://eyeontheedge.blogspot.com/ Do yourself a favor and visit her blog.
After reading both her blogs, I began to write in my journal. I cannot dance around the truth. Time is not on my side. Reading about her sky diving, hiking, and being older than I. She puts her life out there, raw and uncensored, because she wants the answers. I really admire her.
I am growing older and realize I am in the process of figuring out what my life stands for... when ever I write on my blog, and hold myself back, afraid to write what I really want to write, I feel I cheated myself. The disappointment prevents me from moving forward to where I wish to be.
The times I have risked putting out my raw feelings, as I do some times in my poetry, I have gotten feed back from some who get it, and understand. (This is one example of many, why blogging is so important to be. Meeting people I would never have the opportunity to meet and be invited into their lives.) For some reason, my poetry is not as threatening, as writing is; as I am now...completely exposing myself. It does set me free though...it feels so good to let it go and let it be.... How else can I be myself?
So many questions flood my mind:
What purpose did I or or will I serve by my presence?
What difference does my life make?
What have I learned from where I came from?
How can I make my life better?
What will happen when I die?
What is this time and place where I find myself now?
How do I make sense of what filters through me?
How do I make myself better?
Am I destined to live so far from my family?
Is the reason I am here, now, to write this book?
Dare I dream to publish a book?
All these questions are why I started this blog. My query out to the world. An invitation to gather information, share, learn from others, and from the perspective of the location around us. We learn lessons every day. The strangers, the friends, the family, who reflect who we are as individuals. Maybe, through our interactions with others, do we really see and understand who we are....