I admit, I have been hiding behind the positive quotes. I am in a whirlwind of thoughts, unsure of what is to come, allowing it to get the better of me... As my Mom used to tell me, "If you can't say anything positive, don't say anything at all"....
I am feeling much better, health wise. My cough is diminishing, nasal passages clear. I am in the midst of changing life patterns and I don't know which direction I am headed. It is a time of resistance and growth. Maybe it is why I got sick... I need to get outside in the sunshine.... I intend to take Izzy, my dog for a walk, but first I am waiting for my sister to call. She is visiting our Father in the hospital during her lunch hour.
Dad was rushed to the hospital on Wednesday, due to low blood pressure. I write about my Dad, who has Alzheimer's and lives in a nursing home, on my other blog, here.
I don't make new year resolutions any more...but generally, around February, I get restless, distracted, discontented. It is my time of metamorphosis, when I attempt to shed patterns which no longer work, and make myself open for what is to come... I tweak, poke, analyse and readjust my life until I feel I have found my new path..
I realized I was eating my discontent and fears. The sleep study and subsequent diagnosis of sleep apnea caught me by surprise and helped me click into a place where I can understand why I was being self destructive and finally wanted to change and lose the weight. I have lost almost ten pounds and I feel really good about it.
The purge of "stuff" always precedes an awakening, lighting my new path for my new direction...
I read Anne Morrow Lindbergh's book, GIFTS OF THE SEA every February. Been doing it for years. If you haven't read her book, do yourself a favor and read it. I have two copies. One is literally falling apart, but I will not part with it. It is an old, faithful, friend... My first copy.
When I was raising my daughters alone, her book was my compass. She gave me such hope and kept me on course. My girls were my main focus, yet I longed for my own time to write and paint... so now, I find myself in that very time and space I longed for....wiggling myself into that realization, has not been as easy as it seems...
Lindbergh writes: "For to be a woman is to have interests and duties, raying out in all directions from the central mother-core, like spokes from the hub of a wheel. The pattern of our lives is essentially circular. We must be open to all points of the compass; husband, children, friends, home, community; stretched out, exposed, sensitive like a spider's web to each breeze that blows, to each call that comes."
The hub of my life is in conflict. That old hub has been replaced and it still doesn't feel right. Despite my mother-core attempting to re-adjust, I ask myself, why do I struggle to accept the fact my daughters are fully grown? They are both strong, capable, independent women with children of their own. Why can't I relish having succeeded in accomplishing such an important life time goal?
Why do I lurk in the shadows of my life? Fearing the unknown yet wanting something new and exciting? Why do I cling to the familiar? Why can't I trust my girls are fine and in control of their lives? They do know what they are doing. If they need me, they can let me know...
Why do I hold myself back? Is it because once I let go of it, I must select a new life challenge? A new quest, answering the whisper of my destiny... full filling my life's purpose? Isn't finding my purpose my reason for living?
Choosing to focus on my creative endeavors is not giving up on being a mother and grandmother. In seeking out my quests for balance, I continue to be an example. The hurdles we face in life are meant to make us stronger... right?
I am enlightened enough to know all the answers I seek are within me, just waiting to be realized and implemented...
There is still guilt. (Ridiculous after all this time...) I still have a difficult time giving myself permission to sit back, relax, and do what I want to do...because for so long, I did what I had to do, for the three of us to survive. When someone needs my help, I am there...in body, mind and spirit. Yet, asking myself, "What do you want Donna?" (if I am honest)...it has always been such a challenge for me. (I hate admitting that..).but I do strive, to find a real balance within my life, instead of walking a tight rope of anxiety.
Lindbergh illustrates my point further when she wrote, "..The problem is not merely one of Woman and Career, Woman and the Home, Woman and Independence. It is more basically: how to remain whole in the midst of the distractions of life; how to remain balanced, no matter what centrifugal forces tend to pull one off center; how to remain strong, no matter what shocks come in at the periphery and tend to crack the hub of the wheel."
Possibly, I am using this separation of motherhood into person hood, as a crutch. Or is it even possible to be the mother I want to be and still be a person who can create on my own terms? Maybe I never fully managed to become a complete person with balance while raising my children..."fake it til' you make it", "feel the fear and do it any way." (My tried and new mantras...)
What IS this invisible shield in front of me... too often blocking me from doing what I believe I want to do? If finances prevent me from again living closer to my girls and grand kids, then why can't I accept it and move forward? Why do I feel stuck in the mud so much of the time? Why do I feel so conflicted? I really want to face this full on and look within for the answers...
Some times I want to blame my husband...yet it was both of us who made the decision to move here. Neither of us knew the economy would tank like it has... "I take myself with me where ever I go." "I can run, but I can't hide."
If I were to give advice to a friend, and the friend is me, I would advise to stay calm, stay focused. Remember inner peace and be true to myself. To read and explore until the light of my path is exposed. To trust myself and know I can achieve anything, if I just keep at it with my whole heart and soul. I know this is true, because I did a lot of impossible things in my quest and determination to raise my girls...
"Life is not a destination, it is a journey."
I believe the balance will come...
Showing posts with label Discontent. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Discontent. Show all posts
Friday, January 21, 2011
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Never Give Up...
I wrote on my blog of my experience on September 11, 2001, yesterday. I visited several other blogs and after reading DJan's post at Eye On The Edge, she asked the question, "If you feel so moved, I wonder what happened in your life on that day, and ask if you would be willing to share it. And your sense of the direction of our country: do you see any light at the end of this long tunnel?"
I was carried away with my response and when I tried to post it, it blocked me, because I had written more than amount of characters allowed. So the following are my thoughts...
I can only speak from my personal perspective. We have seen our life savings take a huge hit. My husband continues to work strictly for financial reasons.The banking job he used to enjoy lending money to new businesses has turned into one he hates, because the bank no longer lends money to anyone. He lost his former position and is now in charge of all the bad loans from all the four of their branches, which are now consolidated into one bank.
The housing market is so bad, we are stuck in Nevada, unable to sell our home unless we give it away, so we can move back to California to live closer to the majority of our family and friends. Housing is still expensive there, at least the areas we want to move. Taxes and cost of living are higher there too.
We have done our best in raising our children. We have faith they will succeed as they aspire to follow the American Dream. We want to live closer to help and support them. We want to see them and hold them more. As things are now, we do have concerns about the fate of the world our grand children will inherit...
We know of so many personally and within our community, who have lost their homes, their jobs, their savings. We see and hear of families who must live in the drainage tunnels under the city of Las Vegas. We see children and grand children living in the small homes of our 55+ community, with their parents and grand parents, because they have no place left to go...
So many things are weighting down this country. In some ways, I don't want to know, because the more I find out, the more discouraged and depressed I become. Yet, the better part of me, wants to have hope. Hope, our country and the world, will rise to the challenge and overcome. Our history shows it is what we do. I want to believe it will get better.
I make up my mind to be positive, to come from a place of love, to treat others the way I want to be treated. I genuinely care about my fellow human beings and at the age of 63, I find the older I become, the world seems to grow smaller. I do my best to lend a hand to anyone who needs it. I offer a smile to anyone who walks toward me or is around me. I don't work so I can drive back and forth to California to see my loved ones more. I reach out in the blog sphere to other's lives, listening and commenting. I care deeply for our country and for all countries. We are ALL in this world together.
I dislike competition. There always has to be a "Winner" and a "Loser". In school when we had to play sports, when we won, I could not enjoy the victory because I felt bad for those who did not win.
I think the competitive spirit is a part of the problem. Some people let the power of being the best, delude them. They become greedy and need more... Power is as addictive as heroin. Many people cannot handle it. People become selfish and only think of what is best for them and screw the "other guy"..
I wish more people would want to do their best, just out of wanting to put forth their personal best and to help others. I wish people felt better about themselves, so they did not need an others opinion to believe it.
I hate War; but what are we to do when we, as a country, a nation, were attacked? Clean up the mess and move on like nothing happened? Forgive and forget?
If we look at our world, like a collective family, and someone crashes a plane into our home, killing our loved ones, and we discover it was on purpose...what do we do?
If a gang of thugs invade your neighborhood, killing neighbors and friends randomly, stealing, destroying every one's property, would you stand idly by? Would you leave it to someone else? Or would you band together and fight against the injustice? Some times we have to fight for what is right, no matter what the cost.
Our human instincts want revenge. Our pain is too severe to be comforted with religion...but we have to believe in a power higher than ourselves, or we will have chaos. As a collective family, we have to pull together to recover from grief and difficult times. In grief, our faith helps us to know our loved ones are in a better place. Everyone struggles, but the burden is lighter, when shared with others who care. Laws are made to protect individuals, but ultimately, for the greater good.
Our rules and laws are certainly not perfect. There are flaws in anything mad made...but we can never just give up. We must persevere!
I don't understand hate. Children's innocence is universal. Children have to be taught to hate. Hatred will destroy the world.
I have no doubt those terrorists love their children and families...but "their God" comes before anything else. As some of us do as well. How many religious fanatics, have we each known, who forced the FEAR OF GOD onto their children, making them just the opposite? Monsters come in many colors and nationalities.
A child molester does not just become one, they are taught the unthinkable by experiencing horrific,and heinous torture and abuse at a critical time in their early life. I call that evil.
I find it difficult to believe how a child grows up comfortable in taking anothers life. That child has to be taught to kill or taught to hate, brainwashed if you will, to follow an others warped thinking.
I think parenting is one of the most important jobs on this planet. There should be more classes in grade schools and high schools. How a child is raised, is the seed that dwells in the mind of every adult. The upbringing and attitudes branch out to touch and affect every living animal or human they meet. If we don't like or believe in ourselves, how can we stand effectively among others and make a difference? How can we set examples? How can we lead? How can we care? How can we know and feel our purpose?
I can only deal and do my best with my family, friends, people I met, and care about those in this world with me. I live and let live. I do my best not to be caught up with petty, gossiping, pot stirring folks. I concentrate on our life, our neighborhood, our community, our children, grand children, parents, siblings and friends. Just staying on top of what is going on in our family, fills up my life. When a disaster strikes some where in the world, we care, we contribute in some way. We have learned through 9/11, how one heinous act can affect so many people, nationalities, businesses, our finances, the housing market, cities, countries, and nations.
We ARE all in this world together...and it is high time we pull together and do what we have to do, to never give up to make it right.
I was carried away with my response and when I tried to post it, it blocked me, because I had written more than amount of characters allowed. So the following are my thoughts...
I can only speak from my personal perspective. We have seen our life savings take a huge hit. My husband continues to work strictly for financial reasons.The banking job he used to enjoy lending money to new businesses has turned into one he hates, because the bank no longer lends money to anyone. He lost his former position and is now in charge of all the bad loans from all the four of their branches, which are now consolidated into one bank.
The housing market is so bad, we are stuck in Nevada, unable to sell our home unless we give it away, so we can move back to California to live closer to the majority of our family and friends. Housing is still expensive there, at least the areas we want to move. Taxes and cost of living are higher there too.
We have done our best in raising our children. We have faith they will succeed as they aspire to follow the American Dream. We want to live closer to help and support them. We want to see them and hold them more. As things are now, we do have concerns about the fate of the world our grand children will inherit...
We know of so many personally and within our community, who have lost their homes, their jobs, their savings. We see and hear of families who must live in the drainage tunnels under the city of Las Vegas. We see children and grand children living in the small homes of our 55+ community, with their parents and grand parents, because they have no place left to go...
So many things are weighting down this country. In some ways, I don't want to know, because the more I find out, the more discouraged and depressed I become. Yet, the better part of me, wants to have hope. Hope, our country and the world, will rise to the challenge and overcome. Our history shows it is what we do. I want to believe it will get better.
I make up my mind to be positive, to come from a place of love, to treat others the way I want to be treated. I genuinely care about my fellow human beings and at the age of 63, I find the older I become, the world seems to grow smaller. I do my best to lend a hand to anyone who needs it. I offer a smile to anyone who walks toward me or is around me. I don't work so I can drive back and forth to California to see my loved ones more. I reach out in the blog sphere to other's lives, listening and commenting. I care deeply for our country and for all countries. We are ALL in this world together.
I dislike competition. There always has to be a "Winner" and a "Loser". In school when we had to play sports, when we won, I could not enjoy the victory because I felt bad for those who did not win.
I think the competitive spirit is a part of the problem. Some people let the power of being the best, delude them. They become greedy and need more... Power is as addictive as heroin. Many people cannot handle it. People become selfish and only think of what is best for them and screw the "other guy"..
I wish more people would want to do their best, just out of wanting to put forth their personal best and to help others. I wish people felt better about themselves, so they did not need an others opinion to believe it.
I hate War; but what are we to do when we, as a country, a nation, were attacked? Clean up the mess and move on like nothing happened? Forgive and forget?
If we look at our world, like a collective family, and someone crashes a plane into our home, killing our loved ones, and we discover it was on purpose...what do we do?
If a gang of thugs invade your neighborhood, killing neighbors and friends randomly, stealing, destroying every one's property, would you stand idly by? Would you leave it to someone else? Or would you band together and fight against the injustice? Some times we have to fight for what is right, no matter what the cost.
Our human instincts want revenge. Our pain is too severe to be comforted with religion...but we have to believe in a power higher than ourselves, or we will have chaos. As a collective family, we have to pull together to recover from grief and difficult times. In grief, our faith helps us to know our loved ones are in a better place. Everyone struggles, but the burden is lighter, when shared with others who care. Laws are made to protect individuals, but ultimately, for the greater good.
Our rules and laws are certainly not perfect. There are flaws in anything mad made...but we can never just give up. We must persevere!
I don't understand hate. Children's innocence is universal. Children have to be taught to hate. Hatred will destroy the world.
I have no doubt those terrorists love their children and families...but "their God" comes before anything else. As some of us do as well. How many religious fanatics, have we each known, who forced the FEAR OF GOD onto their children, making them just the opposite? Monsters come in many colors and nationalities.
A child molester does not just become one, they are taught the unthinkable by experiencing horrific,and heinous torture and abuse at a critical time in their early life. I call that evil.
I find it difficult to believe how a child grows up comfortable in taking anothers life. That child has to be taught to kill or taught to hate, brainwashed if you will, to follow an others warped thinking.
I think parenting is one of the most important jobs on this planet. There should be more classes in grade schools and high schools. How a child is raised, is the seed that dwells in the mind of every adult. The upbringing and attitudes branch out to touch and affect every living animal or human they meet. If we don't like or believe in ourselves, how can we stand effectively among others and make a difference? How can we set examples? How can we lead? How can we care? How can we know and feel our purpose?
I can only deal and do my best with my family, friends, people I met, and care about those in this world with me. I live and let live. I do my best not to be caught up with petty, gossiping, pot stirring folks. I concentrate on our life, our neighborhood, our community, our children, grand children, parents, siblings and friends. Just staying on top of what is going on in our family, fills up my life. When a disaster strikes some where in the world, we care, we contribute in some way. We have learned through 9/11, how one heinous act can affect so many people, nationalities, businesses, our finances, the housing market, cities, countries, and nations.
We ARE all in this world together...and it is high time we pull together and do what we have to do, to never give up to make it right.
Friday, June 25, 2010
I can only hope for sunshine within tomorrow...
Am I tired?
Just resting?
Taking it easy,
from a long weekend?
Malaise?
Discontent?
Loneliness?
Sadness?
Confusion?
I enjoy
walking
barefoot
through
my
life
and it
always
surprises me
to
suddenly
be
jerking,
avoiding
the
broken glass
along
the
way...
It
mystifies me
like
waking
suddenly
from
a
noise
in
the
dark.
It feels
like
a
merry go round
making
me dizzy.
I try
Quiet.
I slip
into
Silence.
I
climb
into
Calm...
only
to
find
Chaos.
Seeking answers
is
wearing
me
thin.
External CRAP,
Piles of paper.
Internal anguish.
Why?
What?
When?
That
sense of
Dread..
the
kind
felt
before
it arrives,
reaching out
for me
PuLLiNg ME,
tWisTiNg me,
pretzelizing my
brain;
stealing
my creativity
and
sucking out
my essence.
A
head
full of
snarled
thoughts
makes
me
want
to
escape
into
sleep.
I can
only
hope
for
sunshine
within
tomorrow...
~ dkb ~
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Where am I?
I don't know what is wrong with me. Is this a period of discontent? Today, I feel like a lousy Mother, a worse Grand Mother, a rotten friend...I feel disconnected and emotionally marooned on some deserted island...
I spoke with my eldest daughter this morning. She is planning my youngest daughter's baby shower in August. About all I can offer is to foot the bill and of course attend, bringing gifts. My daughter is extremely capable, yet, I would like to be there to help with the planning and helping... (Sounds like a pity party for me, feeling "left out".)
She reminded me, when we lived in California, my husband and I both worked. My eldest daughter had to plan her own shower and again, I helped with the expenses...She really can handle it on her own. I would most likely be in her way...but she would appreciate me watching the boys so she could get things done...I AM really good at playing with the boys...
Maybe it is a double whammy for me now...not only do I live further away, but now I have plenty of time on my hands, don't work, and can't see my family as often as I'd like. I can talk to them every day, like I did when I lived there, but some how its not the same...
We were so close to moving back...but financially, we need to stay another two to five years, hoping the market will improve. We'll probably have to rent when we return...I really don't care. I just want to feel whole again...
We moved here for financial reasons. It has been a good situation for us and our future. Actually, I see my girls and grand kids more now, ironically, then when we lived there. Giving our house away and not being mindful of our future nest egg, is not something we can do without serious consequences. Not when we are months away from my husband's retirement... Still I feel like a "fish out of water" not being closer to my girls...
I need to get a life... The girls have BEEN MY LIFE for the past twenty eight years, I was never more than 45 minutes away. For almost five years since moving here, I just can't seem to get in a groove...
My youngest daughter is expecting her first son the end of September and my oldest daughter's boys are now seven and five....where did the time go? I can never get it back...
They each have their own families and are the independent, capable women I raised them to be.... I just never planned on living this far away when my grand kids came along. I miss them terribly, despite how good my daughters are about keeping me informed of their lives and what cute things the boys are saying or doing...I feel guilty living here...so far away... I have still not come to terms about living here...
I know I am still an important part of their lives...yet, I feel so abnormal. Maybe I have been having "Empty Nest" syndrome...it's kind of like being on an extended vacation. It's very difficult to explain...and I probably sound like a lunatic.
How does one dismiss and abandon negative thought? How does one dismantle lousy feelings and moods?
How do I disconnect from all that is unproductive and depressing? How do I make the best of a bad situation? How do I justify looking out for our future in matters of the heart? We don't want to be a burden on our kids...so we HAVE to look out for our future...right?
I want to go back to bed...not to sleep, but to climb into an escape hatch like Alice in Wonderland's rabbit hole...
I spoke with my eldest daughter this morning. She is planning my youngest daughter's baby shower in August. About all I can offer is to foot the bill and of course attend, bringing gifts. My daughter is extremely capable, yet, I would like to be there to help with the planning and helping... (Sounds like a pity party for me, feeling "left out".)
She reminded me, when we lived in California, my husband and I both worked. My eldest daughter had to plan her own shower and again, I helped with the expenses...She really can handle it on her own. I would most likely be in her way...but she would appreciate me watching the boys so she could get things done...I AM really good at playing with the boys...
Maybe it is a double whammy for me now...not only do I live further away, but now I have plenty of time on my hands, don't work, and can't see my family as often as I'd like. I can talk to them every day, like I did when I lived there, but some how its not the same...
We were so close to moving back...but financially, we need to stay another two to five years, hoping the market will improve. We'll probably have to rent when we return...I really don't care. I just want to feel whole again...
We moved here for financial reasons. It has been a good situation for us and our future. Actually, I see my girls and grand kids more now, ironically, then when we lived there. Giving our house away and not being mindful of our future nest egg, is not something we can do without serious consequences. Not when we are months away from my husband's retirement... Still I feel like a "fish out of water" not being closer to my girls...
I need to get a life... The girls have BEEN MY LIFE for the past twenty eight years, I was never more than 45 minutes away. For almost five years since moving here, I just can't seem to get in a groove...
My youngest daughter is expecting her first son the end of September and my oldest daughter's boys are now seven and five....where did the time go? I can never get it back...
They each have their own families and are the independent, capable women I raised them to be.... I just never planned on living this far away when my grand kids came along. I miss them terribly, despite how good my daughters are about keeping me informed of their lives and what cute things the boys are saying or doing...I feel guilty living here...so far away... I have still not come to terms about living here...
I know I am still an important part of their lives...yet, I feel so abnormal. Maybe I have been having "Empty Nest" syndrome...it's kind of like being on an extended vacation. It's very difficult to explain...and I probably sound like a lunatic.
How does one dismiss and abandon negative thought? How does one dismantle lousy feelings and moods?
How do I disconnect from all that is unproductive and depressing? How do I make the best of a bad situation? How do I justify looking out for our future in matters of the heart? We don't want to be a burden on our kids...so we HAVE to look out for our future...right?
I want to go back to bed...not to sleep, but to climb into an escape hatch like Alice in Wonderland's rabbit hole...
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