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Picture taken by my friend Cyndi Leos....thank you Cyndi.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Random Confessions..."I've had it with reality,,, I need a Fairy Godmother!"

I haven't written much lately, mainly because I have been struggling with the direction of this blog, and my life. I had a suggestion from someone I greatly respect, to combine Mystical Journeys and this blog. At this particular time, with my Dad being my main focus there, I feel it needs to stand on its own. I wanted to create a forum to collaborate and share, to explore our purposes in life;  beyond Daughter, Son, Parent, Grandparent...

This morning, I had an interesting email conversation with Marylinn at http://marylinnmlkelly.blogspot.com.  She spoke of the illusion in planning. It gives us the false sense of having control, when we really don't. She dislikes making plans.  I shared how frustrated I am with a huge question mark looming over my future and feeling like I am trapped inside a too-tight sweater, trying frantically to get it off, over my head. She agreed, but felt like planning was not a piece in her puzzle.

Marylinn needs to write, as I do, only she gets paid for it. She earns a living with her talents. She is very creative and also designs rubber stamps. She was sharing with me that she does a lot less planning, and likes the phrase, "The next indicated thing".  She has found more success in taking things as indicated and dealing with it, rather than making concrete plans.  She said often, those carefully laid out plans, did not materialize or were shot down. She adopts more of a "go with the flow" type attitude and chooses to leave herself open to new things...

I admired what she said.  Control over one's life really is an illusion. Yet, I not only plan, I must have a Plan A, B and many times, a Plan C! I can immerse myself in planning every detail of something, trying to control the course of events in my life, and in my fixated, obsessive process, use up an entire day, not getting anything else accomplished.  After all that work and planning, it often, changes, throwing me off course. The reality of life is usually about change. It reshapes, crumbles and builds, it is just the way it is...

Believing in God, I have to believe, He is in control. I wear a thin, silver ring I bought at a Bereans Book Store, that simply says, "Faith". I have faith He will show me the way...  I have never taken it off since purchasing it. On days like I have been having lately, I find myself twisting it on my finger, as if any minute, God will send me a flash of insight.  I realize, his timing is perfect, and answers will unfold on His time table, not mine...

As I have said many times in the past, I was way more organized when I had a job.  I had more responsibility both in my personal life and my working life back then.  Being retired, away from family and friends, I am becoming more and more self indulgent because I spend most of my time, alone. Writing can be a lonely profession...but blogging...is such a social community.

Tammy, over at http://tsdailytreasures.blogspot.com/ commented on my last post,  where I was admonishing myself for staying in my pajamas all day.  She told me pajamas were one of her favorite outfits and best way to spend her weekends... Her preference made me smile and I admired the fact she was so comfortable with it.  I really need to cut myself some slack.  Seems I am always searching for that, "happy medium"....

Maybe that is my problem...looking for the happy medium, is kind of like being average or mediocre...isn't it? Status Quo? I am not really looking for fame and fortune...(well, maybe the fortune part would be nice...) because as Hugh Prather so eloquently puts it, "Fame isn't really fame: it only appears that way from a distance."  I think I am seeking recognition...and a sense of accomplishment.

I believe in the simplify philosophy, but I don't practice it. I'm working on it, though. I really believe it is better to eliminate clutter and give away what I don't use.  Makes perfect sense, but then I have to sort through all this stuff, and it is so time consuming!  Maybe if I get rid of all these distractions, I can settle in and concentrate on my purpose...

I got really brave the other day, and took a box of my favorite Western outfits and donated it to the Disabled Vets.  I have not opened that box since we moved here four years ago. And that was only out of curiosity.  I kept thinking I would lose the weight to fit into the clothes again, AND that my husband would agree to learn how to country dance.  Eight years later, I think that ship has sailed!!!

Reality check time... (oh, how I hate reality checks).  Like a sign hanging in my office says, "I've had it with reality, I need a Fairy God Mother!"

I wish she would appear and twinkle her magic wand on my hand, leaving enough money to buy another house in California and still keep our home here.  Then we could go and visit and stay comfortably, for as long as we wished.  I know, everyone enjoys coming here to visit. We could have the best of both worlds!

Originally, we moved here for my husband's job, with the promise, if I did not like it after two years, we could move back.  It took me two years to get un-home sick! The reality of living here four years stirs up my emotional baggage. Guilt...I'm not used to being more than an hour from those I love.

Am I being selfish to enjoy time to explore my creativity?
Do I like it here or is this just "busy work" until my husband retires?

Out of desperation to keep myself busy and my mind occupied, apart from traveling back and forth to California; I learned to be a Hospice Volunteer, took online computer classes, art classes, and  started blogging.  I am a native Californian.  The four or five times I moved to another state, I always moved back.  Course I was a lot younger then.  Being older, the thought of packing up this house to move again, makes me want to slit my wrists!!

As you can tell, this decision is tormenting me...We came here to eventually retire, here...we chose this place for the lifestyle we wanted to live...  Lots of options... We liked the weather, we liked the ability to build a  new home for less money than it did in California. We can be as busy as we want or stay home and relax. There is lots to see and lots to do, and all close to home. My husband's job provides us an excellent opportunity to prepare for our future...(if he gets to keep his job...these days, one never knows for sure...) So much better then he was able to do in California...

Another form of "busy work" are my projects.  Organizing all my recipes, pictures, art supplies and THE GARAGE. Lately, I have been working on my de-cluttering project, and despite hating it, I am making progress. My goal was to finish by Spring. The thing is, I have to commit and finish it.  It makes sense to "lighten our load" with the economy the way it is. I cannot believe I have held on to "stuff" that was transported here in boxes and has not been opened, since our last move! Linda at http://wandertothewayside.blogspot.com and I have shared the need to clean out and simplify; among other philosophical discussions...

I feel like I am whining...Am I whining?


I think it is time for me to adopt Nike's slogan, and JUST DO IT! Just stop obsessing and get on with it....

4 comments:

Marylinn Kelly said...

Dear Donna, If I was able to contribute something to the puzzle that confronts us all, I am grateful. One point to clear up, though, is that my days of earning an actual living wage from writing are in the distant past. My blog and musings that turn up anywhere else are words that demand something of me and don't promise much in return. I think all life is an act of faith for there really are no guarantees, not about anything. Life at its most wonderful feels like floating, being buoyed and supported, trusting we will not (a) sink or (b) become too lost to be found. Let me add my voice to the millions who have probably said this before - it is the journey. And if you are destined for Western dancing, the clothes will appear. Or show up in your tutu. Mary Chapin Carpenter sings a song I love, "Heroes and Heroines" in which she says (as near as I recall), "heaven bless the ones who keep their bearings strong and certain." You know your truth; it will not let you down. xoxo Marylinn

Donna B said...

Your words are like a good book and a hot cup of cocoa. So comforting and enjoyable. I am so glad we met in blog world. And such a small world reconnecting with my sister! I so look forward to all three of us getting together. Maybe in May??

gayle said...

I think the way you are feeling is the way a lot of woman feel at this point in our lives.Plus with the added stress of your dad. Take care of you...and it sounds like you are doing a good job with that.

Donna B said...

Thank you Gayle...good advice...and it is comforting to know I have such great company in the same boat with me! I don't do too well unless I can have a plan of action. I get too frustrated and irritated.