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Picture taken by my friend Cyndi Leos....thank you Cyndi.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Women Who Run With The Wolves, Part II

Every once in awhile, when a certain mood comes over me, I must pull out my copy of Women Who Run With The Wolves; close my eyes, open the book and read what is on the page.  I absolutely LOVE the way Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD, creates such inspiration with her writing...

From Chapter 13, Battle Scars: Membership in the Scar Clan...

" Tears are a river that take you somewhere.  Weeping creates a river around the boat that carries your soul-life.  Tears lift your boat off the rocks, off dry ground, carrying it downriver to someplace new, someplace better.


There are oceans of tears women have never cried, for they have been trained to carry mother's and father's secrets, men's secrets, society's secrets, and their own secrets, to the grave.  A woman's crying has been considered quite dangerous, for it loosens the locks and bolts on the secrets she bears.  But in truth, for the sake of a woman's wild soul, it is better to cry.  For women, tears are the beginning of initiation into the Scar Clan, that timeless tribe of women of all colors, all nations, all languages, who down through the ages have lived through a great something, and yet who stood proud.


All women have personal stories as vast in scope and as powerful as the numen in fairy tales.  But there is one kind of story in particular, which has to do with a woman's secrets, especially those associated with shame; these contain some of the most important stories a woman can give her time to unraveling.  For most women, these secret stories are embedded, not like jewels in a crown, but like black gravel under the skin of the soul..."

I find myself crying more than I usually do lately.  I think it is due to the emotional detachment/mourning to this place, this home I have created for my husband and myself.  In many ways, I will miss it.  I'll miss it, like, when we remember a special memory, of a special time, with a certain significance. I long to be around my daughters.  I miss their laughter, watching their expressions when they talk with me.  I want to see my youngest daughter's body grow and change, now that she is pregnant with her first child.  I was there for my eldest daughter with her first, and I want to be close with her too.

I think of my grand sons, and how I marvel each time I travel to see them in California, how much their faces have changed, matured and how much taller they are.  I HATE the fact I am so far from them.  I think of my Dad, resigning himself to the black hole of Alzheimer's and knowing he is disappearing a little more every day. Time is so precious.  We realize that when we age.

I think back to the river of tears I cried when my husband came here to Nevada, for a job interview, five summers ago, and was hired. Those tears of mine where joined with the tears of my eldest daughter who had just had her second son.  She cried, fearing her sons would not know their grand parents.  When I told her it was also my fear. I did not want my grand sons to forget us either, we knew we would make it work...and we have.  She is wonderful about keeping us informed of what they are up to, and the cute things they say...we talk nearly every day.

Those river tears brought us to a better financial place.  My husband had been out of work. I did not have to work, so I was free to travel back and forth to visit my family.  They came out to visit and we made memories and happy times.  We made the best of it.  Now, it is time to go back home...

This book always brings back bittersweet memories, for it helped me through some difficult times...I know my place is back in California, closer to the little ones, who carry on our future.  If I need motivation to help me to get organized and give me the momentum to get this house on the market, de-cluttered, sold, and to find another house to make into a home... their faces will propel me on to make it happen, despite my weary bones...

8 comments:

JeannetteLS said...

I find that it is rarely grief that makes me cry... it is more frustration, a sense of being trapped, my soul's blasting through the barriers... THAT will make me cry. Longings. Fear. Even facing change and knowing the insurmountable obstacles to get TO that change. I, too, have to sell my house and face the overwhelming sorting, tossing, remembering... letting go. Thank you for this entry, Donna. I find power in my tears...

Donna B said...

Hi Jeannette, so good to have your voice here. I also cry sentimentally, and some times when I feel so over whelmed, like now. I know once we are on the other side of letting go, it will be so liberating! I look forward to that, and will use that anticipation as my impetus. I find crying such a release and feel so cleansed. I have learned not to be ashamed when I cry. It is just an expression of how I feel. I give myself permission to feel whatever it is I feel. Thank you for your contribution to this blog.

Caroline said...

Beautiful and thoughtful post. I really agree with you about aging...and realizing how precious time is. *sigh*

As for tears, I find a good cry cleansing and clarifying. I always seem to think better after too.

Donna B said...

Thank you Caroline for contributing to the blog. I find it so therapeutic to gather with strong, creative women and sharing ideas and thoughts. It is so empowering. When we all tell our stories it unites us, eliminating doubt and lifting everyone up. There is just nothing better than connecting with others in our journey to discovering our deeper selves.

Kathy said...

Ah yes.....I again understand. We live in Illinois and have all of our lives. Our two married children live here. Our youngest son lives in Colorado. We love Colorado and would move there in a minute if....we could afford it and find jobs....however there is one drawback and that is that our two married children will be starting their families soon, therefore I will NOT leave. I have wanted to be a grandma forever. I don't want to be a long distance grandma because I would never be able to afford to travel to visit often and like you, I want those precious babies to know me.

So, we stay here. Thanks to a wonderful book I read this year, I have learned to live "in the now" without looking back or ahead, so I am very happy and very content with my life just as it is.

I wish you all of the luck in the world as you prepare for a move "home". How wonderful it will be for all of you!

Donna B said...

Oh Kathy, I totally understand (I think we are kindred spirits :}). Please share what book you read. I love a good self help type book, spiritual books, mystical books, a good romance here and there, biographies, and poetry.

Moving here is the furthest I could possibly move away, because I am only 3.5 to 4 hours car drive away. I dislike flying.

I lived in Aspen, Colorado in my early 20's when I skied. Beautiful country. We LOVE Sedona and Flagstaff, AZ, but again, it is too far from those we love.

I really appreciate to input to this blog. I think we are gathering a wonderful Sacred Circle of woman, don't you??

gayle said...

I had to read this in 2 parts to keep from crying!! You are making a very wise decision going back!! Just do a little at a time and you will get it done!! You are going to be so happy in CA!!

Donna B said...

Oh Gayle...gimme a hug! Thank you for your support. I know I will too...but until we find a house to move to, I kind of feel like I am all dressed up, with no place to go...