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Picture taken by my friend Cyndi Leos....thank you Cyndi.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Where am I?

I don't know what is wrong with me.  Is this a period of discontent?  Today, I feel like a lousy Mother, a worse Grand Mother, a rotten friend...I feel disconnected and emotionally marooned on some deserted island...

I spoke with my eldest daughter this morning.  She is planning my youngest daughter's baby shower in August. About all I can offer is to foot the bill and of course attend, bringing gifts. My daughter is extremely capable, yet, I would like to be there to help with the planning and helping... (Sounds like a pity party for me, feeling "left out".)

She reminded me, when we lived in California, my husband and I both worked.  My eldest daughter had to plan her own shower and again, I helped with the expenses...She really can handle it on her own.  I would most likely be in her way...but she would appreciate me watching the boys so she could get things done...I AM really good at playing with the boys...

Maybe it is a double whammy for me now...not only do I live further away, but now I have plenty of time on my hands, don't work, and can't see my family as often as I'd like. I can talk to them every day, like I did when I lived there, but some how its not the same...

We were so close to moving back...but financially, we need to stay another two to five years, hoping the market will improve.  We'll probably have to rent when we return...I really don't care.  I just want to feel whole again...

We moved here for financial reasons.  It has been a good situation for us and our future.  Actually, I see my girls and grand kids more now, ironically, then when we lived there.  Giving our house away and not being mindful of our future nest egg, is not something we can do without serious consequences.  Not when we are months away from my husband's retirement... Still I feel like a "fish out of water" not being closer to my girls...

I need to get a life... The girls have BEEN MY LIFE for the past twenty eight years, I was never more than 45 minutes away. For almost five years since moving here, I just can't seem to get in a groove...

My youngest daughter is expecting her first son the end of September and my oldest daughter's boys are now seven and five....where did the time go? I can never get it back...

They each have their own families and are the independent, capable women I raised them to be.... I just never planned on living this far away when my grand kids came along. I miss them terribly, despite how good my daughters are about keeping me informed of their lives and what cute things the boys are saying or doing...I feel guilty living here...so far away... I have still not come to terms about living here...

I know I am still an important part of their lives...yet, I feel so abnormal.  Maybe I have been having "Empty Nest" syndrome...it's kind of like being on an extended vacation.  It's very difficult to explain...and I probably sound like a lunatic.

How does one dismiss and abandon negative thought?  How does one dismantle lousy feelings and moods?
How do I disconnect from all that is unproductive and depressing? How do I make the best of a bad situation? How do I justify looking out for our future in matters of the heart?  We don't want to be a burden on our kids...so we HAVE to look out for our future...right?

I want to go back to bed...not to sleep, but to climb into an escape hatch like Alice in Wonderland's rabbit hole...

7 comments:

Marylinn Kelly said...

Didn't mean to be away so long...I do find it challenging to keep up with my friends and favorite spots. Not enough hours in the day. What I know to do (easier said than done) about negative thoughts, worry, regret, general confusion is to try and get out of my mind and into my heart. The mind (certainly in my case and I believe most others) likes drama, conflict, unhelpful thoughts that keep us from the good that can always be found in the present moment. If we can find a way to focus on our grateful hearts, see ourselves as the competent beings we really are and feel compassion and appreciation for all that we do, all that we are, it can sometimes quiet the mind. You have been in the whirlpool for so long, so many decisions, that even a few hours of shopping, lunch, focusing on simple, pleasant things, becomes a gift. Stress is cumulative and exhausting and we often don't realize what a hold it has on us or how much harm it is doing. I you can possibly, even a couple times a day, just be in the present moment where everything is in order - postpone worry, it will always be there waiting - it might be another place to find some peace, which you so deserve. At some point we have to surrender all the things over which we have no control and assume they will be directed to a good outcome. Glad to know your dad is doing better. xoxo

Cmom said...

You know....sometimes we just have to do what we have to do. And maybe you need to just look at it all from a different perspective. Maybe you need to see the positives instead of the negatives. Had you not had the distance that you now have....then you might night appreciate your kids and gkids as much...nor them you. Meaning...sometimes we take situations and people for granted when they are right there.
Maybe instead of thinking about your lack of closeness now....you can take that time and plan some really fun things for you and them to do when you see them again and when you finally move back there.
Sometimes life just sucks....and there is just no sugar coating it. But your situation is not permanent and soon you will all be reunited as a close family with a new appreciation for what you all have. Sometimes distance really does make the heart grow fonder.
Hang in there....and I hope the rest of your weekend is better. :)

gayle said...

My heart goes out to you!!! It has to be hard on you being away!! Hopefully things well get better soon!!

Donna B said...

Gayle, Cmom and Marylinn.. As usual, your words are wise and comforting. Thank you so much, each of you for your faithful feedback and advise. Words cannot express my gratitude.

Jeannette said...

Hi DonnaB,
Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting.
You write well. Do your daughters enjoy your blog?

Wow, the chaanges in the economic landscape have corraled many folks and altered many a retirement plan, haven't they? I hear you feel like a displaced person but also that you know you can't second guess yourself now...you made a survival plan with your husband and you're almost there.
It's easy when we feel like crawling under a blanket in the middle of the day to think that it is situational or relational, but it could also be that you need to amp up your own system a little....take extra good care of yourself...super food, fun exercise,a new pursuit, good reading , lovely music and maybe even a check up at the doctor. Something as simple as a sluggish thryoid can make the day to day awfully hard.

Well...best to you!

Jerry said...

I wish I knew who said that the love of a parent and child must grow toward separation. I don't know whether to applaud that person or curse him.

I figure you need to accomplish stuff. Little stuff. And then congratulate yourself and celebrate those accomplishments. By doing this I figure you start developing faith and confidence in yourself. Your worth is not measured no longer needs to be made by your children and grandchildren. Your worth is measured in what you yourself can accomplish.

And someone noted a big bonus in all this. You get to plan...plan on those moments when you are with your family. But -- replant that seed of despair with a seed of fun and accomplishment and fulfillment. You will end up with the best of both worlds.

Donna B said...

Jerry: My motto used to be, "parachute me off a plane over any state, and with my work experience and strong will, I would not only survive, but thrive." I had a boss tell me, "Donna, there is no end to your determination. I could ask you to make a six foot hole in this wall by tomorrow morning, and I know, when I came into work the next day, I would see a perfect six foot hole."

I have had some challenging experiences in my life, but one of the biggest for me, has been being so far from my kids and grandkids. I have heard the saying, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", and it may apply to male/female relationships, but not with family.

I will agree that separation makes one stronger and more independent. For me, part of family is all the moments and shared memories. We still look forward and plan for special times together, and such times have become very precious.

I feel I have accomplished a huge life goal, because my children are solid, capable, independent and are great parents with lots of loyal friends. They are now developing their own legacies.

I am slowly, steadily, giving myself permission to follow another dream in fulfilling my creativity with writing and art.
Accomplishments are the sunny days on one's journey through life...

Hi Jeannette: My hubby and I both know our health is our greatest treasure, for without it, life slows down to a crawl.

I agree that music, fun excursions, new challenges are ways to perk up a soul.

Like sailing, we have to learn to jib and tack
our way through our lives to stay on course.