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Picture taken by my friend Cyndi Leos....thank you Cyndi.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

What would you change in your life, if you only had three more years to live...

My husband and I saw the blockbuster, 2012 last night.  I don't think I am giving away the blot to say, it is based on the belief of the Mayan calendar, which is said, the world, as we know it, will end December 21, 2012. Obviously, the genesis for a great blockbuster movie...

So what would you change about your life, if you only had three more years to live?

Personally, I am a believer, and a Christian, and that gives me peace.  I would set about systemically, eliminating all the clutter in my life, sharing it with those in need.  To simplify my life with the least amount of maintenance, so we could enjoy more time with one another, our family, friends and loved ones. For my particular personality, that makes sense to me, and satisfies my desire to keep my world in order...

I have believed for most of my life, to say what I mean and express my feelings, because we never know when that chance may be taken from us in an instant.  I learned this emotionally and philosophically, October, 1974.  My fiance had just been promoted to Narcotics Detective.  I had moved nine months prior from the beaches of California to the desert of Tucson, Arizona. 

He was leading a raid on a heroin drug bust, and was shot by a man he did not know was in the apartment.  Gunfire was exchanged, and he came out of the room, told the other officers "the suspect was down" and slid down the wall.  He was rushed to emergency and died on the operating table. He had eleven entrance and exit wounds, the fatal shot had severed his aorta.  He was 27 years old.

Fate and destiny are strange bedfellows...because two weeks before he was killed, as we slept together one night.  I awoke from a vision-dream that jolted me from my deep slumber.  I saw my fiance, walk from the light into the dark, wearing his cowhide boots, black jeans, and his black, long sleeved shirt with red roses.  His gun was drawn as he rushed into a room.  In the shadows, I could see a tall, dark figure, with an odd shaped weapon.  I yelled a warning to my beloved, "LOOK OUT, HE HAS A GUN!!" and at that moment, I was knocked backward from a powerful slam to my chest.  As I fell back in slow motion, I saw lush, topical plants and a quick jumble of letters, that appeared to be "sing-songie"...

My fiance had a green thumb par excellence.  His apartment was a jungle of various tropical plants and Bonsai. The letters I saw, spelled the name of his killer.

When I woke, instinctively, I knew the vision was too real, it was more than a nightmare. My gut warned me to tell him, but my heart did not want to believe it.  In an instant, I wrestled with should I warn him, or would it bring him harm?  I decided forewarned, was forearmed...I described the figure in the shadows and asked if he had any stakeouts with anyone who sounded like the man I described.  He described someone shorter, with curly hair.  I told him, be careful..there is someone there you do not know about...

The man he described to me, was the man he pretended to be setting up a heroin buy.  The man I described, was a soldier, my fiance and the other officers on the stake out, did not see enter the apartment to purchase heroin, from the curly haired suspect.  When my fiance broke into the apartment, yelling POLICE!, the man with the curly hair, ran to the bathroom to flush the heroin.  My fiance chased him, and the gunman was hiding behind the bedroom door, as in my dream.  The curly haired man's girlfriend, was lying in bed, and caused my fiance to hesitate to determine who was in the bed.

My life totally changed and went in a new direction that day...The night before we each stayed in our own apartments.  We had a fight, and despite me believing I was right, and he was wrong, I was more concerned with him going to work, being preoccupied with our fight, and not concentrated on his job...the last words I spoke to him were, I love you.

I learned, pride is never a consideration when you love someone.  You owe it to love, to always speak your truth.  There are no weaker and stronger loves, for if that is your opinion, you are obviosly in the wrong relationship.

Speaking your truth, loving with your whole heart and soul, and being hurt or even betrayed, does not, in any way, invalidate the love.  People betray and it can ruin a love, because that person is finally showing you the parts they were intentionally hiding.  This type of a person, is in most everyone's life at some point.  Even these type relationships have lessons to learn.  And, lessons are not learned, if one continually finds one's self in the same situations...

I was told, reassured, our fight had nothing whatsoever, to do with his death.  It is normal to feel remorse and guilt when a loved one passes.  We always doubt and wonder, if we could have done something to change the outcome...

My fiance had betrayed me the night before.  He had lied to me about what we argued about. I found that information out, after his death, and had to deal with the mess of it, tangled within my grief.  Some times, I feel  the almighty forces, Karma, Budda, whomever you believe in, swoop into our lives, knowing the path we are traveling, and know it is not the path of our purpose...some times we are needed and other times prevented from hurting or destroying others...some times, more learning is required...

It has been my experience, anyone who is needed or who has suffered enough, is taken in the express elevator, straight to Glory... I believe this life on earth is temporary, and we must, celebrate the temporary, so we can keep what is most important, in perspective.

8 comments:

GutsyWriter said...

What an emotionally moving story. I can't believe what you went through and knowing you still carry this today. I feel your pain and understand how your life could change on that day. Thank you for sharing such a life-changing period in your life.

Donna B said...

Hi Gutsy, I appreciate the fact you can honor my story with a comment. It was an experience that taught me many lessons for sure. Provocative how lives can change on a dime, huh? You know, with your experience with your son. Our lives are really, all woven and weaved into so many other lives, aren't they? I have always believed love is always the answer. The one universal truth...

Mary Paquet said...

Donna, thank you for becoming a follower on my blog and helping me find your two blogs. You have a wonderful gift for expressing thoughts and feelings in work and in art. Blessings!

GYPSYWOMAN said...

how beautifully poignant! and so generous of you to share with us! a truly moving story which will come to mean something to each one who reads it - and so many layers! beautiful!

i have gone through similar experiences - and know what i would "want" to do - all i would want is to have all my children and their children with/near me in those last months, weeks and days - i'm here in delaware having come to be near 2 adult daughters who had careers on the east coast - my son is in dallas and my other two daughters are both in louisiana - i have 3 grandchildren in missouri, 3 here and the rest in louisiana - that's it - just to be able to spend time with, to be with, my children and their children - nothing else -

thanks so much for such a thought-provoking and inspiring post!

Lily Robinson said...

What a traumatic event! It must have taken a long time to put it in its proper place. I too am a Christian. The life I have right now is so simple and fulfilling, if the world was ending next week, I wouldn't change a thing.

Wine and Words said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog. I appreciate your comments and hope to get to know you also! I am a Christian as well. If I only had three more years I think I would stop doing what I had to do, and start doing what I want to do. Since Pensions and retirement would be non-issues, I could take a lesser paying job doing something I totally enjoy.

Donna B said...

Mary..You are welcome and welcome. Blessings back to you.

Gypsywoman..Me too...dire times heighten our focus to what really matters. Thank you for your compliments.

Lily...Welcome..thank you for your input in this discussion.

Wine and Words...Welcome, and thank you for your comments. Provocative statement, "Stop doing what I had to do, and start doing what I want to do"...think about that...

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

Wow - what an amazing story! I do believe that sometimes God gives us knowledge of things to come so that we may be forewarned and change the course so the outcome is also changed. I used to tell my kids that I had a "gut" feeling that they should not do something. I was proved correct often enough that they learned to listen. If I said I didn't approve or I didn't like it, that was not the same. They knew I reserved the "I have a bad feeling about this" comment for things that could truly turn out bad. They didn't always like what I had to say or like explaining it to others, but they did learn to (mostly) listen.

Thanks for popping over to see me. I am sending you an email.

Teresa