What would you change in your life, if you only had three more years to live...

My husband and I saw the blockbuster, 2012 last night.  I don't think I am giving away the blot to say, it is based on the belief of the Mayan calendar, which is said, the world, as we know it, will end December 21, 2012. Obviously, the genesis for a great blockbuster movie...

So what would you change about your life, if you only had three more years to live?

Personally, I am a believer, and a Christian, and that gives me peace.  I would set about systemically, eliminating all the clutter in my life, sharing it with those in need.  To simplify my life with the least amount of maintenance, so we could enjoy more time with one another, our family, friends and loved ones. For my particular personality, that makes sense to me, and satisfies my desire to keep my world in order...

I have believed for most of my life, to say what I mean and express my feelings, because we never know when that chance may be taken from us in an instant.  I learned this emotionally and philosophically, October, 1974.  My fiance had just been promoted to Narcotics Detective.  I had moved nine months prior from the beaches of California to the desert of Tucson, Arizona. 

He was leading a raid on a heroin drug bust, and was shot by a man he did not know was in the apartment.  Gunfire was exchanged, and he came out of the room, told the other officers "the suspect was down" and slid down the wall.  He was rushed to emergency and died on the operating table. He had eleven entrance and exit wounds, the fatal shot had severed his aorta.  He was 27 years old.

Fate and destiny are strange bedfellows...because two weeks before he was killed, as we slept together one night.  I awoke from a vision-dream that jolted me from my deep slumber.  I saw my fiance, walk from the light into the dark, wearing his cowhide boots, black jeans, and his black, long sleeved shirt with red roses.  His gun was drawn as he rushed into a room.  In the shadows, I could see a tall, dark figure, with an odd shaped weapon.  I yelled a warning to my beloved, "LOOK OUT, HE HAS A GUN!!" and at that moment, I was knocked backward from a powerful slam to my chest.  As I fell back in slow motion, I saw lush, topical plants and a quick jumble of letters, that appeared to be "sing-songie"...

My fiance had a green thumb par excellence.  His apartment was a jungle of various tropical plants and Bonsai. The letters I saw, spelled the name of his killer.

When I woke, instinctively, I knew the vision was too real, it was more than a nightmare. My gut warned me to tell him, but my heart did not want to believe it.  In an instant, I wrestled with should I warn him, or would it bring him harm?  I decided forewarned, was forearmed...I described the figure in the shadows and asked if he had any stakeouts with anyone who sounded like the man I described.  He described someone shorter, with curly hair.  I told him, be careful..there is someone there you do not know about...

The man he described to me, was the man he pretended to be setting up a heroin buy.  The man I described, was a soldier, my fiance and the other officers on the stake out, did not see enter the apartment to purchase heroin, from the curly haired suspect.  When my fiance broke into the apartment, yelling POLICE!, the man with the curly hair, ran to the bathroom to flush the heroin.  My fiance chased him, and the gunman was hiding behind the bedroom door, as in my dream.  The curly haired man's girlfriend, was lying in bed, and caused my fiance to hesitate to determine who was in the bed.

My life totally changed and went in a new direction that day...The night before we each stayed in our own apartments.  We had a fight, and despite me believing I was right, and he was wrong, I was more concerned with him going to work, being preoccupied with our fight, and not concentrated on his job...the last words I spoke to him were, I love you.

I learned, pride is never a consideration when you love someone.  You owe it to love, to always speak your truth.  There are no weaker and stronger loves, for if that is your opinion, you are obviosly in the wrong relationship.

Speaking your truth, loving with your whole heart and soul, and being hurt or even betrayed, does not, in any way, invalidate the love.  People betray and it can ruin a love, because that person is finally showing you the parts they were intentionally hiding.  This type of a person, is in most everyone's life at some point.  Even these type relationships have lessons to learn.  And, lessons are not learned, if one continually finds one's self in the same situations...

I was told, reassured, our fight had nothing whatsoever, to do with his death.  It is normal to feel remorse and guilt when a loved one passes.  We always doubt and wonder, if we could have done something to change the outcome...

My fiance had betrayed me the night before.  He had lied to me about what we argued about. I found that information out, after his death, and had to deal with the mess of it, tangled within my grief.  Some times, I feel  the almighty forces, Karma, Budda, whomever you believe in, swoop into our lives, knowing the path we are traveling, and know it is not the path of our purpose...some times we are needed and other times prevented from hurting or destroying others...some times, more learning is required...

It has been my experience, anyone who is needed or who has suffered enough, is taken in the express elevator, straight to Glory... I believe this life on earth is temporary, and we must, celebrate the temporary, so we can keep what is most important, in perspective.

Me? I believe I am a Connector...

I have always wondered what my particular purpose was...I'd feel myself pulled in many different directions. I have always been a champion for the under dog, and consequently, I would be emotionally exhausted, not knowing then, how to establish boundaries for myself.  Telling someone, NO, was not something I was comfortable doing and always found myself wanting to escape from the situations I put myself in.

I have always been curious and needed to know, WHY?  I felt I was an emotional explorer, more so than one who explores adventure.  I was intrigued by various types and personalities. Wanting to know their unique stories was fascinating to me.  I enjoyed experiences, especially the ones that make my pupils dilate with interest, which gave me the stimulus to keep seeking.  I crave deep, philosophical conversations.  Figuring things out.  Unraveling the unknown.  To me, that is the chocolate of life...

I guess I would have to say, I believe I am a Connector.  I connect with people.  I connect with experiences.  I do believe there is a common thread woven into each of our lives and we are all, very much a like.  That thought makes me feel mystical and warm.  If everyone felt that way, think of how much more wonderful life would be...

When my parents warned me to stay away from something or some one...I wanted to know why.  If their reasons did not make sense to me, then I would have to explore and find out myself...

What about you?  What do you think?  What are your experiences?  What do you feel your purpose is?

On second thought...

This afternoon, I was inspired....but now, at this late hour, I wonder if my pursuits weren't a bit lofty...