I Choose to Bless This Life...

"Bless a thing and it will bless you.
Curse it and it will curse you...
If you bless a situation, 
it has no power to hurt you,
and even if it is troublesome,
it will gradually fade out,
if you sincerely bless it."

- Emmet Fox

The older I get, the more I realize how true this quote really is.  I am challenging myself to concentrate on faith and bless a particular situation, knowing worry will not help or solve anything.  Our lives unfold and events happen...  Often we don't like the results, but disliking it and getting all worked up only make it worse.

I've been a "worry wart" so much of my life and the only thing it did for me was make me nervous, negative, fearful and insecure.  When I learned to embrace change instead of fight it, I feel my life flows better.

My husband is always saying, "It is what it is" and "Everything happens for  a reason"; and his philosophy has influenced me for the better...  For a long time I felt this was a cop out.  In my younger days I was a warrior and fought for my principals.  Not that I don't today, but often what I thought were battles were really my not liking the outcome of something. More and more now I see the wisdom in not sweating the small stuff...and really, most of the time, it is ALL little stuff when placed in perspective of an entire life.

Circumstances often challenge, but the more I tell myself "You can handle this", the easier it becomes...
Doubting myself is like slapping myself across the face.  Who needs that?

One of my most stressful times of my life was after my divorce, raising my two daughters alone.   I suppose struggling to make a living for us, often working two or three jobs, was a big part of it.  I wanted to keep my girls in private school and knowing I was in it pretty much alone as a single Mom with full custody was extremely stressful.  I had a lot of doubts in my ability to hold it together but by doing it I learned how strong and capable I am.

My daughters are now grown with their own families and I get to bask in the joy and pride of how capable and strong they are.  Raising them I was the teacher,  the comforter, the protector, the provider, the problem solver, the enforcer, and it was challenging.  Now, despite living further away, I am called upon when needed and occasionally invited to share my opinion.

Living a life of purpose has always been my focus.  Being retired and not having the responsibility of raising a family can often feel aimless and without purpose.  I don't want to allow the fact of my aging to become an excuse to slow down and lose my vision.

I have to confess, I have cursed having to stay here in Nevada, being further from my children, grandchildren and large circle of family and friends. We came here originally for a better job for my husband and planned to return to California when he retired.  No one had any idea the economy and housing market would fall off a cliff as it has....

I have decided to bless the fact we are living here now.  I will have faith and believe our lives will continue to weave and enter twine despite the distance because we love one another and are a close family. I hope one day soon we will eventually live closer, but in the mean time, I accept and bless our lives as they are now.  Cursing my situation will only make me feel full of regret, hopelessness and misery.  The last thing I want to do is burden my family with a negative attitude.

So today, I submit this vow into the Universe and pledge to see more blessings and do a lot less cursing and complaining...  You all are my witnesses.

The Importance of Creativity...

Sir Ken Robinson's talk for TED (Ideas worth passing on)

discussing the importance of creativity being 

taught in schools and how historically they don't.

Oh how wonderful our children and grand children's futures would be if more of this were encouraged and appreciated in our school systems.  It is so important on so many levels to really see a person for their individuality and unique way of learning.  I think so many issues and problems would be better served and possibly avoided if one's individuality was celebrated instead of imposed with the expectation of joining the majority.

The video is about 20 minutes--but Sir Robinson's humor engages you while his ideas captivate and stimulate vision.  Enjoy....

A Whirlwind of Thoughts In My Quest For Balance...

I admit, I have been hiding behind the positive quotes.  I am in a whirlwind of thoughts, unsure of what is to come, allowing it to get the better of me... As my Mom used to tell me, "If you can't say anything positive, don't say anything at all"....

I am feeling much better, health wise.  My cough is diminishing, nasal passages clear. I am in the midst of changing life patterns and I don't know which direction I am headed.  It is a time of resistance and growth. Maybe it is why I got sick...  I need to get outside in the sunshine.... I intend to take Izzy, my dog for a walk, but first I am waiting for my sister to call.  She is visiting our Father in the hospital during her lunch hour.

Dad was rushed to the hospital on Wednesday, due to low blood pressure.  I write about my Dad, who has Alzheimer's and lives in a nursing home, on my other blog, here.

I don't make new year resolutions any more...but generally, around February, I get restless, distracted, discontented.  It is my time of metamorphosis, when I attempt to shed patterns which no longer work, and make myself open for what is to come...  I tweak, poke, analyse and readjust my life until I feel I have found my new path..

I realized I was eating my discontent and fears.  The sleep study and subsequent diagnosis of sleep apnea caught me by surprise and helped me click into a place where I can understand why I was being self destructive and finally wanted to change and lose the weight.  I have lost almost ten pounds and I feel really good about it.

The purge of "stuff" always precedes an awakening, lighting my new path for my new direction...

I read Anne Morrow Lindbergh's book, GIFTS OF THE SEA every February.  Been doing it for years.  If you haven't read her book, do yourself a favor and read it.  I have two copies.  One is literally falling apart, but I will not part with it.  It is an old, faithful, friend...  My first copy.

When I was raising my daughters alone, her book was my compass.  She gave me such hope and kept me on course.  My girls were my main focus, yet I longed for my own time to write and paint... so now, I find myself in that very time and space I longed for....wiggling myself into that realization, has not been as easy as it seems...

Lindbergh writes: "For to be a woman is to have interests and duties, raying out in all directions from the central mother-core, like spokes from the hub of a wheel.  The pattern of our lives is essentially circular.  We must be open to all points of the compass; husband, children, friends, home, community; stretched out, exposed, sensitive like a spider's web to each breeze that blows, to each call that comes." 

The hub of my life is in conflict. That old hub has been replaced and it still doesn't feel right. Despite my mother-core attempting to re-adjust, I ask myself, why do I struggle to accept the fact my daughters are fully grown? They are both strong, capable, independent women with children of their own.  Why can't I relish having succeeded in accomplishing such an important life time goal?

Why do I lurk in the shadows of my life? Fearing the unknown yet wanting something new and exciting?  Why do I cling to the familiar? Why can't I trust my girls are fine and in control of their lives?  They do know what they are doing.  If they need me, they can let me know...

Why do I hold myself back? Is it because once I let go of it, I must select a new life challenge? A new quest, answering the whisper of my destiny... full filling my life's purpose? Isn't finding my purpose my reason for living?

Choosing to focus on my creative endeavors is not giving up on being a mother and grandmother.  In seeking out my quests for balance, I continue to be an example.  The hurdles we face in life are meant to make us stronger... right?

I am enlightened enough to know all the answers I seek are within me, just waiting to be realized and implemented...

There is still guilt.  (Ridiculous after all this time...)  I still have a difficult time giving myself permission to sit back, relax, and do what I want to do...because for so long, I did what I had to do, for the three of us to survive.  When someone needs my help, I am there...in body, mind and spirit. Yet, asking myself, "What do you want Donna?" (if I am honest)...it has always been such a challenge for me. (I hate admitting that..).but I do strive, to find a real balance within my life, instead of walking a tight rope of anxiety.

Lindbergh illustrates my point further when she wrote, "..The problem is not merely one of Woman and Career, Woman and the Home, Woman and Independence.  It is more basically: how to remain whole in the midst of the distractions of life; how to remain balanced, no matter what centrifugal forces tend to pull one off center; how to remain strong, no matter what shocks come in at the periphery and tend to crack the hub of the wheel."

Possibly, I am using this separation of motherhood into person hood, as a crutch. Or is it even possible to be the mother I want to be and still be a person who can create on my own terms?  Maybe I never fully managed to become a complete person with balance while raising my children..."fake it til' you make it", "feel the fear and do it any way."  (My tried and new mantras...)

What IS this invisible shield in front of me... too often blocking me from doing what I believe I want to do?  If finances prevent me from again living closer to my girls and grand kids, then why can't I accept it and move forward?  Why do I feel stuck in the mud so much of the time? Why do I feel so conflicted? I really want to face this full on and look within for the answers...

Some times I want to blame my husband...yet it was both of us who made the decision to move here.  Neither of us knew the economy would tank like it has... "I take myself with me where ever I go." "I can run, but I can't hide." 

If I were to give advice to a friend, and the friend is me,  I would advise to stay calm, stay focused.  Remember inner peace and be true to myself.  To read and explore until the light of my path is exposed.  To trust myself and know I can achieve anything, if I just keep at it with my whole heart and soul.  I know this is true, because I did a lot of impossible things in my quest and determination to raise my girls...

"Life is not a destination, it is a journey." 

I believe the balance will come...

I was never into roller coasters...

We signed the papers for our Reverse Mortgage, May 21st, so no more house payments.  Our plan is to stay 2-5 more years and wait until the real estate market improves.  Our plan B would be to sell and look for something cheap (?) in CALI to rent and Plan C is to stay here if the market does not improve...

We are gearing up for my husband's retirement...meeting with Financial Advisers and Tax people...trying to line up all our financial ducks in a row...

My husband is in the process of trading his fancy, sporty, Acura RL for a cheaper, more economical Toyota or Honda...

This morning, as I came back from filing for my Social Security, there was a message on our machine from that Realtor who brought over one of two sisters who was interested in buying our house after it was taken off the market... (I think I wrote about this event on my other blog, Mystical Journeys)

When I showed the sister and her husband the house, they were kind of obnoxious.  They arrived a half hour early, before their Realtor (who was lost) and made themselves at home, as if they were relatives.  They stayed so long, grilling me about the neighborhood, I thought they expected an invitation to dinner!  The man kept after Izzy, trying to get her to come close so he could pet her.  He kept going to her, ignoring my repeated warnings that she had been abused by a man and was leery of them.... Finally, I just let Izzy bark at the jerk...

The woman talked the entire time about her home, which is also the same model as ours, going on and on how FABULOUS it is.  She did not make one compliment toward our home, only about how nice our back patio was...

Anyway, they are back!  The Realtor said the other sister is coming out in July and wants to negotiate with us. (Oh, really?)  I told the Realtor we had not heard from them, so we thought they were not interested.  The Realtor assured me "they were interested...just playing it cool".... (How's that workin' for 'ya??)

I am not too impressed with the Realtor.  She wants us to allow her to list our house, cutting out the agent who helped us before we took it off the market.  (Sorry lady, we don't operate like that...)

I let her know we had just signed the papers for the Reverse Mortgage.  She misunderstood, and told me, "to hold off". ( Too late... )  When I informed her we just did it, she began admonishing me for "not calling her."  (Maybe she was, suppose to call us, but didn't??) We would have to start our California home search all over again...because the deadline to make changes on the Hemet house is a few days away...and we thought we put that option to rest... The taxes, insurance and HOA are twice as high as what we pay now anyway...

Who knows...our lives seem to pick up speed as we age, instead of slow down!  Just when you think we can stretch out on the beach of relaxation, a rogue wave floods the camp and we must start all over again....

I was never into roller coasters, but I may have to learn to like 'em...something tells me we better hang on tight from here on out...

We're building our retirement from the bottom up...

Our three days to cancel the Reverse Mortgage are up today.  Our specialist phoned.  We needed to sign two more pages in our inch thick loan paperwork.  Apparently, when the Notary FED EX'd it to the Title Company, those two pages were missing. The Specialist went to my husband's work to have him sign and offered to come to our home for mine.  I told him I would meet him at his office, which is right down the street.

The Reverse Mortgage is the base of our retirement structure.  We have an appointment this weekend with our financial advisor, to make the best of what funds we have left from all the economic downfall.  We are going to see a Tax specialist to review the past two years of taxes to see if there were any mistakes and how we can improve our situation and plan for retirement.

I am examining all our expenses to see how we can eliminate or reduce spending. Does anyone know of a website or blog on how to minimize expenses?  I need to find a good resource for "greening" our utilities...to save energy and money...

We have already gone through all of our insurance plans for expiration dates and determining which to keep and which to let go...

I want to have a big yard sale with my daughter in law to sell what we don't need.  Our goal is to simplify, purge and eliminate extra weight.  Each year I will have the upcoming Spring as my goal to prepare for selling the house.

I will be applying for my Social Security soon in preparation for my husband's retirement...

Onward and upward...

One door closes and another opens wide...

The adventure begins! Our Realtor just put the lock box on the front door and the papers are signed... FOR SALE sign goes up Monday...

Thank you so much to those in the Sacred Circle that support and share on this blog. A special shout out to Jerry, at http://gentlysaid.blogspot.com/ (do check him out, he is a witty writer with wonderful humor, seasoned with wisdom and life experience) who shared his positivity in such a poetic way, reminding me to look for the adventure as something to embrace.  I loved how he put it: "...if one plants a seed of despair and waters it with doubt and fear--it will blossom into something you don't want.  If you plant the seed of excitement and water it with dreams of the future and glorious adventure--it to will bloom...into something Blessed."
Isn't that great?

Many thanks, also, to Marylinn, Caroline, Teresa, September Mom, Lily, Maggie, Dell Girl and Terri for your  enjoyable visits, always with a cheerful word or wisdom and constant support.
*** I think you will enjoy their blogs too, please find their blog sites under Sacred Circle...***

Irish Insight...

This afternoon, as I was walking my dog, we past an open garage, with the sweet, fine, sad music of Ireland  wafting above a man working and humming softly....Suddenly I was overcome with emotion and began to cry...

Why?  The thoughts that came to me were home and family.  I knew then, our days are truly numbered here in Nevada.  We must get back home...

Next week we leave for five days to house hunt.  Every where we can afford, is closer to my children, grand children and family, then we are now, but still further than I want to be...

I feel like I am surrendering to the Universe.  We will go and seek and I know in my heart we will find...something.  When we return to Nevada, we will put the house up for sale.  I am resolved that whatever we get for it, we get for it.  I have no delusions we will make any kind of a profit...I must just take a deep breath and let it all go.

I found myself thinking about all the things we buy and purchase for our homes, to make it more of a home...and then in times like this, it seems so exhausting to haul it all around.  The packing I have done is a drop in the bucket.  There is still so very much to do.

I must get serious and start calling some moving companies and getting some estimates. Some how, some way, I have to find a way to let go of some of this stuff...or I will end up paying to haul it all back to California and so much of it, is "I might need this one day"....

Women of my Sacred Circle, please gather around me with your energy, friendship and strength that is in each of you, and please send me the power I will need to get this overwhelming challenge accomplished...

Getting all packed up with no place to go...

Have not had much time  for thinking deep thoughts, other than, "Will this fit into this box or do I have to go on another box hunt?"...

We have not found a place in Cali yet, searching on the internet a state away, is a challenging task to say the least!  I am in the process of packing us up, regardless of having no place to go, because I have faith.  We WILL find something.  Once I get my blinders on, and dial in my focus, there is nothing that will stop me until I accomplish my goal.

It would be so much nicer if we DID have a house in Cali so I could use that as my light at the end of the tunnel, for motivation...and be excited about setting up and creating another homey, cozy abode for us in Cali...

I always have the mental images of my grand kids and my daughters faces, thinking about getting together with my sister, family and friends more.  For now, that will have to be my motivation.

With this lousy weather, I have not been out walking in 2 or 3 days.  Poor Izzy is absolutely stir crazy!  I am too...but what else can I expect when I spend the majority of my day with my head in a box!

Let this be the last time I have to do this!
Let this be the time I finally "GET IT" and simplify our surroundings.
Let this be the last of my collecting...
Let this be our last move!!