What Lies Within Us...

What lies before us and what lies behind us

are small matters compared to

what lies within us.

And when we bring what is within

out into the world,

miracles happen.

Henry David Thoreau

This recent, global horror from the shooting down of Malaysian Airlines flight 17, shocks me, repulses me and leaves me wondering about the future of this world...

I think despicable actions of a minority of people, affecting various countries, more often then not, unite people.  We feel helpless, but we feel compassionate and want to reach out in some manner to the families and friends of the passengers and crew of this ill fated Airlines.  

We most certainly share the loss, as we all can relate and realize this appears to be happening more and more. God forbid it would happen to anyone we know and love...but I am certain, this is a universal thought of everyone, including those grieving now...never in a million years, thinking it would happen to them...

Yes, they may live in different countries across the world...thousands of miles away from us...but they each were some one's child, parent,  grand parent, sibling, partner, spouse, friend...and isn't that universal?  We all love, want to be loved in return, and to protect those we love.  We all laugh.  We all love. We all grieve....

We still are in disbelief at yet another Malaysian Airlines flight 370 which disappeared a little over four months ago and still has not been found.  I read search crews will resume August 1, 2014.

It reminds me how very important it is to live one's life to the fullest, leave nothing left unsaid, pursue your dreams with great passion and spend as much time with friends and loved ones.  Events like this remind us all how uncertain life is and which day will be our last day on this earth.

Watching the news coverage, I can't help feeling such a sadness with the loss of so many wonderful people in both Malaysian flights.  Scientists, researchers, Engineers, Inventors, Entrepreneurs, Teachers, Athletes, Students, innocent children and infants, snatched away before experiencing the lives they could have /continued/lead and the distinction their lives would have made in this world.

Each of us are works of wonder with tremendous potential, unique with talents and skills to share with our world; be it the influence within a family and circle of friends, a community, a state, a country, or a maximum global stature.  Each of us matter.  Each of us are important.

We will have our differences and I wish those differences were not threatening to so many...but they are....they just are...and we as individuals will encounter this challenge and learn to deal with it.  Ultimately, each of us are responsible for ourselves.  We must challenge ourselves to learn enough to realize we can agree to disagree and not lose any dignity.

Some of us have it completely wrong.  According to Brené Brown, Vulnerability is not weak, it is strong.  To lead a life, speaking one's truth, living in the unknown with uncertainty around us is very brave. Extremism is weak because it is rooted in shame. We can't do anything with shame...it is negative and destructive. Shame is ultimately fear. Afraid of the discovery that someone will find out about some inadequacy from being exposed... Attempting to control, insistence, rigidity, disapproval, intolerance, judgment is all bred from fear...

The older I get, I find it is more exhausting to hide anything!  It takes too much effort.  Futile effort...because we can never please everyone...and those who love and understand us, will always forgive us.  I've found the more vulnerable or honest I am, the more people seem to relate to me... Besides, I like who I am and if someone doesn't approve it's OK with me..."To each his own self be true".  I am OK with a difference of opinion....even if it is a polar opposite of what I believe to be true...

Yes, some times my instincts become alerted if someone disagrees loudly, or starts to attack me verbally.  I do my best to stay calm and if the situation continues to escalate by the other person, who is not satisfied with my suggestion to "agree to disagree" then I politely excuse myself and move on...

After viewing all the news lately, I cannot help but feel very blessed and thankful to live in these United States.  I cannot imagine not being able to sleep for fear my loved ones may be bombed, injured, maimed or killed!  Let alone waking to discover I survived the night but must herd all my loved ones and friends into a car, or wagon and leave my home and belongings behind to get as far away from my home as possible so we are not killed.

I find it so tragic to have such differences of opinion or belief so strongly one feels justified to kill to be right or get what they want.  Call me naive, and I realize I am trivializing a very complex, ongoing battle of differences... but for me, it is the bottom line.

I started this particular blog to discover the purpose of my life and to have like minded discussions with other people searching along the same path.  I wanted to hear and to learn how other's discovered their life purpose.

Personally, I would have to say, despite various ambitions to explore my creativity, my core concern has been family, friends, to be of service and to strive for enlightenment.
For me, an abundant life is a happy life shared with those I love and meeting new people who may or may not become friends.  I really enjoy learning and sharing.  I think I would classify myself as a "connector".  I seem to connect with all kinds of people.

How about you?  How do you feel?

Tragedy and Hope...

"A strange thing is memory and hope; one looks backward and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.  Memory is history recorded in our brain, memory is a painter, it paints pictures of the past and of the day."

`Abba Mary Robertson Moses…aka Grandma Moses

The world waits, hopes and helps search 

for Malaysian Airlines Flight 370

Frustrations mount prompting

creative extensions of compassion

outpouring of support and prayer

Aching hearts 

unimaginable anguish

tortured minds unable to sleep

unbearable longing
despicable miscommunication

cruel tug of war 

of hope and horror

suicidal thoughts

in losing one's only child

a horrific magnitude of negative thought

no one can adequately relate

yet such a universal nightmare

one never wishes to experience.

Sending prayers and grace

hope and prayer

to every single family, friend and loved one…

~©dkb

8 More Bodies Found on Costa Concordia...

My heart is so heavy and sad.  Divers found 8 more bodies today in an undisclosed area on the 4th deck which had not been previously searched, but where several passengers advised the authorities to look.  One of the bodies is suspected to be little 5 year old Dayana Ariotti.  I would imagine one of the 8 bodies will be of her father as he reportedly went back to their cabin with her to get his diabetes medication.

This brings the total dead to 25 with 7 more still missing.  I cannot imagine the grief her Mother feels.  This is so tragic...so unnecessary...so many lives destroyed because of that egomaniac Captain who drove that ship like a race car.

Hopefully, they will find the rest of the missing, including the Heils, so all the families can have closure.

God Bless those brave divers searching inside that ship to bring comfort and answers to so many...

RIP Whitney Houston...

image from Google images

I have always been a fan of Whitney Houston.  Like so many have said this past week, she was the background music of my life.  So many of her songs bring back vivid memories.

She was talented, so beautiful, the epitome of what so many women aspire to be.  Women of her talent and beauty are almost always held to an expectation of perfection.  No doubt by many, she was idolized.  Very difficult standard to live one's life...

I am not condoning her battle with drugs and alcohol, but I for one, do not know the pressures and stress she had to deal with.  I was so touched by what her real life bodyguard Ray, spoke of at her funeral today.  We do not realize the sacrifice artists give to do what they love to do, so we can enjoy their talents.  They do travel to us, away from their families, spend countless hours on planes, buses, cars, in all kinds of weather...there is more to it than just buying a ticket...

Personally, I cannot imagine having cameras flash in my face 24/7 each time I would step outside to do anything, professionally or personal, regardless of how I felt or looked...

It's a world only those involved can understand.  Can any of us really imagine the loss and sadness of an emotional situation and having to get on a stage in front of millions of people and sing our hearts out and perform as if everything was "just fine"?

I can't...

She was a rare talent and I am thankful for the gifts she left behind.

May God lift up her family and friends to give them the strength to deal with their great loss.

Rest in peace Whitney Houston....

God Bless the Divers, Rescue Crew and Salvage Co....

New photographs were posted online of the Costa Concordia on January 13, 2012 as well as a list of the confirmed dead and still missing.  I can't help but fear some of the missing could be pinned underneath the side of the ship submerged in the water...The pictures show the ship listing over, very close to shore, with the few lifeboats available full of fleeing survivors...  (See the link below to view the pictures and read the article...)

A 35 Italian hairdresser, Giovanni Di Mauro, was reported being the last to leave the ship after staying on board for over seven hours helping passengers evacuate the ship. Quite a contrast to the "Captain" who says he fell off the ship and landed in a lifeboat.  What a crock!


Sixteen bodies have been confirmed dead.  Three other bodies have been recovered but not identified.  

Still missing are the American couple, Barbara and Gerald Heil of Minnesota, 5 year old Dayana Ariotti and her father, William Ariotti of Italy. Also, Elisabeth Bauer of Germany, Michael Biemand of France, Christina Mathi Ganz of Germany, Norbert Josef Ganz of Germany, Girolamo Giuseppe of Italy- crew member, Gabriele Grube of Germany, Mylene Litzler of France, Margarethe Neth of Germany, Russel Rebello of India - crew member, Inge Schall of Germany, Erica Soriamolina of Peru - crew member, Siglinde Stumpf of Germany, Brunhild Werp of Germany, Margrit Schroeter of Germany and Maria Grazia Trecarichi of Italy.

I pray for all these families, but Susy, the mother of the missing five year old Dayana and former wife to Dayana's father, really hurts my heart.  As a mother of two daughters, remembering when they were so small, feeling so protective, I just ache for her and continue to keep her and her family, as well as all the others in my prayers.  Mr. Ariotti's girlfriend survived but was separated from Dayana and William in the crush of panic as everyone rushed toward the life boats.  Normally, it is the women and children who would be placed in the safety of the  life boats first.

God Bless all the divers, the rescue crew for risking their lives to find these poor souls whose lives were cut short due to this terrible tragedy.  I just cannot imagine the emotional pain and anguish the awaiting family and friends are going through, waiting for news of their loved ones...

God Bless SMIT the Dutch salvage company doing their best to remove all the fuel on board to prevent the contamination to the pristine water sanctuary there in Giglio, Italy. 

It has been reported that some wealthy Russian passengers stuffed money into the hands and pockets of the crew manning the life boats on the fated Costa Concordia cruise ship now half submerged off the coast of Tuscany in Italy...  Although the cruise had only been underway 2 and a half hours, the emergency escape plan was not scheduled until the next day.  Possibly scheduling it sooner could have prevented the panic and the "every man for himself" attitude which prevailed according to most of the reports from survivors.
See link below to read the entire article from MailOnline News...

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2091752/Costa-Concordia-accident-Rich-Russians-bribed-way-lifeboats.html

A Moment of Ego Brings Death and Disaster...

I just cannot stop thinking of the families of the 11 dead and the 25 still missing passengers and crew unaccounted for from the recent Cruise ship disaster Friday, January 13, 2012.  Apparently, the Captain Francesco Schettino, decided to do the equivalent of a navigational "fly by" without permission.  I've read he did it for a head waiter on the ship who was from Giglio, the Tuscan island where the ship hit a reef 150 meters (480 feet) from shore.

How can a Captain of a cruise ship carrying 4200 lives, even consider a moment of ego risking all those lives he is sworn to protect? We are asked to trust Pilots of planes, Captains of ships, Bus drivers who transport our children on school buses, Conductors on trains, Firemen, and Police Officers.  This man was released today on house arrest!  I cannot believe it!!!!  He should be kept in jail.  He may have saved thousands by steering the ship closer to shore, but he is solely responsible for the deaths of 11 people.

Captain Francesco Schettino

of the ship Costa Concordia

Timeline and maneuvers of the Captain

At 9:35pm, two and a half hours after leaving port to begin the cruise, the Captain turned off the alarm, which automatically sounds when the ship goes off his programmed course, by manually steering it without permission to move the ship closer to shore.  Once he realized he had damaged the ship, he maneuvered the ship to get closer to shore, but why he did not order the life boards to be lowered immediately, is definitely a question to be answered.  Many of those missing may have been saved...

View of the ship listing after hitting the reef 

I cannot believe how close the ship is to shore!  Can you imagine seeing this sight from shore or a passenger seeing it from the ship? I would panicked beyond all reason if I knew I had to jump into the water at night!

Part of the reef embedded in the ship's hull, tearing an 160 ft gash, flooding the ship. That hole is the size of over two lengths of a professional tennis court (78' long)...

Rescuers boarding the capsized ship to search for survivors

Aerial view of the capsized ship 

One of my biggest fears is to drown.  Being out in deep water terrifies me. I cannot imagine the horror and panic those passengers felt, not to mention the families of those missing passengers and crew!  I read this morning, a Hungarian mother flew into Italy to identify her 38 year old son who was a musician on board the ship.  Another young German woman notified authorities she was back home in Germany.  She must have got herself to shore and found her way ASAP back to Germany.

11 Germans, 6 Italians, 4 French, 2 Americans, 1 Indian and 1 Peruvian are still missing.

Supposedly, the divers have searched the entire ship, but further searching has been suspended due to the ship moving slightly and an impending storm due Thursday.  The owners have still not decided who will first remove the 500,000 gallons of fuel still on board the ship, or who will patch and re-float the ship or cut it up and salvage the pieces hauled off on barges. The ship is 950 feet long and 115 feet wide with 45,000 tons of steel.  One of the salvage companies being considered is the Dutch salvage company, SMIT, which has handled many maritime disasters successfully.

I've read the waters off Giglio are pristine which are also a sanitary for various fish, dolphins, porpoises and whales.  Hopefully, whichever salvage company is selected, it can safely remove all that oil.  I pray the storm due tomorrow will not add to this tragedy and contaminate the clear, blue waters.

I keep thinking maybe some of the missing are trapped underneath the submerged side of the ship.  I read how passengers had to swim as fast as they could because they feared the ship would fall on them.  My heart aches for those poor souls who had just begun, what was to be this fantastic cruise, only to have it end in disaster before their first night on board!  Many described it to be similar to the movie Titanic.

My husband talked me into a Mexican Riviera Cruise back in 2006.  It was my first cruise ever. We chose to sail on Norwegian Cruise Lines.  We had a suite on the mid top of the ship. We were treated like royalty, the food and accommodations were excellent.  I did enjoy it, more so after we docked safely and disembarked the ship.  I always felt "on guard" and could not really relax... I had to take Xanax to relieve my anxiety.  The first night out I really had to talk to myself to calm myself down...

I dislike flying over water as well.  People tell me there are fewer accidents with planes and ships and I am more at risk driving in my car.  Maybe so, but your odds of surviving a car accident are certainly higher than on an airplane or cruise ship!

Yesterday, I watched a program on the History channel about the 5 deadliest creatures no one wants to tangle with in the ocean.  Prior to seeing this program, my main fear were sharks...This Mediterranean cruise is the exact cruise my husband wants us to take next year with his cousins.... I had reservations before I saw this, now, it justifies why I prefer not to cruise...Maybe the odds are slight, but if the odds are not in my favor, I do not want to be on a ship or a plane when it happens.

My prayers go out to all the families and friends of the still missing passengers and crew.  I pray for a miracle they will be found safe.

Photo of the global satellite view of the Costa Concordia released today

Cause Of Death For Billy Jean James...

I read in the paper the other day while my sister and I were having breakfast, the authorities are unable to determine the cause of death of Billy Jean James.  She was the woman I wrote about who disappeared from her home April 22nd, for four months and was found August 25th, dead, in her home by her husband under a pile a stuff in a back room he was cleaning.  Apparently she was a hoarder, due to the tragic loss of her son.

The coroner could not find any obvious cause of death such as bullet holes, no gunshot wounds or any tell tale signs of death.  Her death was determined to be accidental.  No foul play was suspected.  Her body was so deteriorated during that four month period, it was impossible to say for sure how she died.  The case has been closed.

My sister went home on Saturday.  I wrote about our week on my other blog.  It was such a great time together, but went by way too quickly.  I am doing my best to recover and get some rest as we did not sleep very much...

                                              ************************

I also learned today our neighbor lady's husband, who had brain cancer, passed away two weeks ago.  The funeral was in Chicago, where they are from.  She just returned and was walking their dog and ran into my next door neighbor, who told me.  She told my next door neighbor her arthritis was so bad when she was back in the cold, she knew she could never return or she would suffer and end up in a wheel chair. 

I think I will get her card and take it to her with some flowers.

Update on Billie Jean James...

There were two articles in Friday and Thursday's papers.  No official identification yet, but her husband, Bill James did say he recognized her shoes.  He is sure it is his wife...

Apparently, he built a second home on their property to house all her stuff she collected.  She sounds like a very dedicated and colorful woman.  She love to frequent thrift stores and brought home countless treasures.  She had difficulty throwing anything away, so trash was mixed in with her collections and belongings.  The back bedroom, where she was found, was referred to as "a rabbit hole", by one of her friends.

The police and others who had been in the house, said the house was so cluttered and trash piled so high, mobility was a huge challenge, not to mention the stench, especially with this hot summer weather.  It is no wonder the smell and various chemicals from the trash breaking down, affected the noses of the dogs who were used twice in the home.  No mention was made if the dogs were cadaver dogs or not...

Billie Jean was a nature lover and hiked all over the world. She also volunteered to clean up our national parks. She cared very deeply for animals and endangered species.The day after she disappeared, both she and her husband were to leave for Molokai,Hawaii to volunteer monitoring endangered monk seals.  Something, she was looking forward and anxious to do.

She was a political activist and wore red, white and blue outfits marching in antiwar rallies to bring home the troops.  She was a humanitarian, traveling to New York after September 11, 2011 and also volunteered in New Orleans, helping the Red Cross after the disaster of hurricane Katrina.

She enjoyed music and art.  She played the guitar.  She loved to garden, and their property was full of native plants, she had planted over the forty years of living in their home.

She sounded like a wonderful woman.  Her friends started a facebook page to post their concerns when she first was missing.  She had many, many friends who cared about her deeply.

I did not know this woman personally, but the more I learn, the sadder this story is...

Tragic News...

Four months ago, a 67 year old woman named Billie Jean James, disappeared from her home in Las Vegas, leaving all her possessions behind.  Her husband, also 67, Bill James, told the police she had a stroke a few months before her disappearance, but she was doing fine before her disappearance.

They had lived in their home for over forty years and still lived in a very rural desert area, near St. Rose Parkway and Las Vegas Blvd.  There were several searches for this woman, including friends and police on horse back. I was so touched by the story, I was tempted to join the search. With elderly parents, and she being only four years older than I, the story haunted me...

Periodically, I would check the Facebook page, launched by her friends who were searching for clues.  My Father has Alzheimer's, and the thought of her wandering aimlessly in the desert or lost in the crowded streets of Las Vegas, really upset me.

Today, while waiting for my eye appointment, the television news announced a body had been found in the back bedroom of Billie Jean's home, and it was believed to be her body.  Apparently, they were hoarders, and the house was so cluttered and foul smelling with trash and belongings, even two searches through the house with crime dogs, never found her....

The husband was playing dominoes with a seven year old girl, a neighbor, in this back bedroom.  Some how, he found the leg of his wife sticking out from under some of the things piled to the ceiling, in the back bedroom.  The little neighbor girl told the police, Mr. James was scared and told her to go home.  She told the officers she was sad, because Billie Jean was her best friend.

It is not my place to judge anyone, especially in the face of such tragedy, but some details of this news report really hoisted some red flags.  It struck me very odd, for a parent to allow a seven year old girl to play alone in a home of an older man.  Let alone, the fact his wife had disappeared and the condition of their home...

He did call the police immediately, but when interviewed, understandably, out of respect for his wife, did not give any details. It is still difficult to fathom, he did not search within the house for her...especially, if the house was in such chaos.

The police are definitely not speaking out until the full coroner's report to determine if, in fact, it is the body of Billie Jean James.  Obviously, they will do an autopsy to determine how she died.

Apparently, she was a collector of many things.  Hoarding, from what I understand, often begins after some kind of a tragic loss.  Billie lost her son twenty years ago, possibly his death, was the beginning of the hoarding.

I just cannot imagine.  This is such a tragic story, I just can't stop thinking about it...

Paybacks are a B**%@!....

September, 2007 I had a colonoscopy.  In February, 2008, the  local news channels reported over forty thousand (40,000) patients, including myself, had been exposed to Hepatitis B, C and HIV.

Anyone having procedures at The Endoscopy Center of Southern Nevada on Shadow Lane and its sister clinic, Desert Shadow Endoscopy Center on Burnham in Las Vegas, Nevada, between March, 2004 and January, 2008, could be at risk of infection.   Dr. Depak Desai (pictured below) owning several endoscopy centers, instructed his anesthesia nurses to reuse the syringes and vials of anesthesia used to administer the anesthesia, Propofol. CAN YOU IMAGINE???

This man was a Physician who took the Hippocratic Oath!!

It was reported in the paper this guy was so greedy, he threatened his staff if they did not comply with his tightwad techniques to save every penny.  A normal colonoscopy takes 20-30 minutes.  HE WOULD DO THEM IN TEN MINUTES!!! And then brag about it!!!

For one year of my life, I lived with the unknown, while being tested for those diseases.  I could not even share food with my grand sons or allow them to drink from my cup.  I was absolutely paranoid around my loved ones and friends. I felt terrified. My children and husband were scared to death. My elderly parents were horrified. It goes without saying the mental/emotional anguish my family and I went through during that time.  Thank God I was given the "all clear"at the end of all my testing. I feel so very lucky and Blessed to have escaped infection, when so many did not...

Google this guy and you will not believe your eyes when you read about him.  Even a layman, who never worked within a hospital setting, WOULD NEVER EVEN THINK of re-using syringes and vials of anesthesia.  Supposedly, the needles were changed, but one syringe, contaminated by a needle from an infected patient, re-used to withdraw anesthesia from a re-used vial, is a double whammy for infection to a healthy patient.  IT IS ABSOLUTELY UNTHINKABLE and CRIMINAL!

Today, FINALLY, two years later, with delays, pleas for his "poor health" and strokes brought on by "stress", Depak Desai, his two employees (nurse anesthetists) Ronald Lakerman and Keith Mathahs, were indicted by the Grand Jury on 28 counts of racketeering, performance of an act in reckless disregard of persons or property, criminal neglect of patients, insurance fraud, theft, and obtaining money under false pretenses.  Many of the charges are felonies.  This guy is going away for the rest of his life! (I HOPE!!)

He surrendered today, turning himself in.  He is under house arrest until he posts a one million bail. I hope he can't make bail.  I hope he has to stay at the Detention Center instead of his four million dollar mansion in the Red Rock Country Club Estates. Tell me this guy's Karma did not come back to eat him alive! Paybacks are a B**%@!

I was so ecstatic when I heard it on the news, I stood and cheered!