A Whirlwind of Thoughts In My Quest For Balance...

I admit, I have been hiding behind the positive quotes.  I am in a whirlwind of thoughts, unsure of what is to come, allowing it to get the better of me... As my Mom used to tell me, "If you can't say anything positive, don't say anything at all"....

I am feeling much better, health wise.  My cough is diminishing, nasal passages clear. I am in the midst of changing life patterns and I don't know which direction I am headed.  It is a time of resistance and growth. Maybe it is why I got sick...  I need to get outside in the sunshine.... I intend to take Izzy, my dog for a walk, but first I am waiting for my sister to call.  She is visiting our Father in the hospital during her lunch hour.

Dad was rushed to the hospital on Wednesday, due to low blood pressure.  I write about my Dad, who has Alzheimer's and lives in a nursing home, on my other blog, here.

I don't make new year resolutions any more...but generally, around February, I get restless, distracted, discontented.  It is my time of metamorphosis, when I attempt to shed patterns which no longer work, and make myself open for what is to come...  I tweak, poke, analyse and readjust my life until I feel I have found my new path..

I realized I was eating my discontent and fears.  The sleep study and subsequent diagnosis of sleep apnea caught me by surprise and helped me click into a place where I can understand why I was being self destructive and finally wanted to change and lose the weight.  I have lost almost ten pounds and I feel really good about it.

The purge of "stuff" always precedes an awakening, lighting my new path for my new direction...

I read Anne Morrow Lindbergh's book, GIFTS OF THE SEA every February.  Been doing it for years.  If you haven't read her book, do yourself a favor and read it.  I have two copies.  One is literally falling apart, but I will not part with it.  It is an old, faithful, friend...  My first copy.

When I was raising my daughters alone, her book was my compass.  She gave me such hope and kept me on course.  My girls were my main focus, yet I longed for my own time to write and paint... so now, I find myself in that very time and space I longed for....wiggling myself into that realization, has not been as easy as it seems...

Lindbergh writes: "For to be a woman is to have interests and duties, raying out in all directions from the central mother-core, like spokes from the hub of a wheel.  The pattern of our lives is essentially circular.  We must be open to all points of the compass; husband, children, friends, home, community; stretched out, exposed, sensitive like a spider's web to each breeze that blows, to each call that comes." 

The hub of my life is in conflict. That old hub has been replaced and it still doesn't feel right. Despite my mother-core attempting to re-adjust, I ask myself, why do I struggle to accept the fact my daughters are fully grown? They are both strong, capable, independent women with children of their own.  Why can't I relish having succeeded in accomplishing such an important life time goal?

Why do I lurk in the shadows of my life? Fearing the unknown yet wanting something new and exciting?  Why do I cling to the familiar? Why can't I trust my girls are fine and in control of their lives?  They do know what they are doing.  If they need me, they can let me know...

Why do I hold myself back? Is it because once I let go of it, I must select a new life challenge? A new quest, answering the whisper of my destiny... full filling my life's purpose? Isn't finding my purpose my reason for living?

Choosing to focus on my creative endeavors is not giving up on being a mother and grandmother.  In seeking out my quests for balance, I continue to be an example.  The hurdles we face in life are meant to make us stronger... right?

I am enlightened enough to know all the answers I seek are within me, just waiting to be realized and implemented...

There is still guilt.  (Ridiculous after all this time...)  I still have a difficult time giving myself permission to sit back, relax, and do what I want to do...because for so long, I did what I had to do, for the three of us to survive.  When someone needs my help, I am there...in body, mind and spirit. Yet, asking myself, "What do you want Donna?" (if I am honest)...it has always been such a challenge for me. (I hate admitting that..).but I do strive, to find a real balance within my life, instead of walking a tight rope of anxiety.

Lindbergh illustrates my point further when she wrote, "..The problem is not merely one of Woman and Career, Woman and the Home, Woman and Independence.  It is more basically: how to remain whole in the midst of the distractions of life; how to remain balanced, no matter what centrifugal forces tend to pull one off center; how to remain strong, no matter what shocks come in at the periphery and tend to crack the hub of the wheel."

Possibly, I am using this separation of motherhood into person hood, as a crutch. Or is it even possible to be the mother I want to be and still be a person who can create on my own terms?  Maybe I never fully managed to become a complete person with balance while raising my children..."fake it til' you make it", "feel the fear and do it any way."  (My tried and new mantras...)

What IS this invisible shield in front of me... too often blocking me from doing what I believe I want to do?  If finances prevent me from again living closer to my girls and grand kids, then why can't I accept it and move forward?  Why do I feel stuck in the mud so much of the time? Why do I feel so conflicted? I really want to face this full on and look within for the answers...

Some times I want to blame my husband...yet it was both of us who made the decision to move here.  Neither of us knew the economy would tank like it has... "I take myself with me where ever I go." "I can run, but I can't hide." 

If I were to give advice to a friend, and the friend is me,  I would advise to stay calm, stay focused.  Remember inner peace and be true to myself.  To read and explore until the light of my path is exposed.  To trust myself and know I can achieve anything, if I just keep at it with my whole heart and soul.  I know this is true, because I did a lot of impossible things in my quest and determination to raise my girls...

"Life is not a destination, it is a journey." 

I believe the balance will come...

I can't hide forever...

I have been hesitating in writing anything.  I feel very exposed.  Way, way, way, too emotional....Psychotic and Catatonic...

I know the last thing one is supposed to be with real estate, is to be emotional...   I have officially smashed that rule into a million teeny, tiny pieces...

I have spent the the past week, since returning from CALI, crying or being indecisive.  I feel like a champion match ping pong ball on Red Bull and CRACK!  Can't sleep, can't eat, stomach in knots, running to the toilet...and I can't seem to complete a sentence.

In between this chaos, I had a tooth pulled, filed our taxes -- which had an error and had to be re-filed with additonal monies to pay our tax bill, all the while keeping the house "spit spot" for the parade of strangers inspecting our home. 3 Realtors have brought 3 sets of clients this week.  One of the Realtors brought a couple back twice...  and they made us a low ball offer.  They offered $18,900 less than our offer, wanted $3,000 back in Escrow, want all of our appliances (which are listed as going with us in the MLS), and for us to pay the Capital Contribution fees (which are the fees we paid when we moved into this communtiy.  It basically goes into the Community Kitty of our HOA). We are countering and standing firm, so no doubt they will move on...but we already feel we are GIVING OUR HOUSE away....my husband thought their offer was insulting.

We did find a new home in a 55+ Communtiy in Hemet, CA.  Right now, the Hemet Police Department is being attacked by Gangs...  This is what is posted on the Hemet Police website:

"$200,000 REWARD OFFERED!

A $200,000 reward is being offered for information leading to the arrest

and convictions of the person or persons responsible for the attacks against

the Hemet Police Department and the Hemet/San Jacinto Regional Gang Task Force."

 

Nice, huh?

 

The house would not be built until the end of September

which is when my daughter's baby is due

and is my husband's birthday...

Did I mention another of the stipulations

in the "offer" of the folks who want

us to "give them" our home...

is to be out of our home by June 9th,

which is my birthday weekend...??

 

We were "considering" this new home

mainly because of all the crappy houses

we saw "on the market",

 it was the lowest price

(Still $30,000 more than what we

WANTED to pay),

and

the builder is offering

$20,000 in upgrades

to use their lender

before the end of April.

 

It is

located in a city

we are not particularly

excited about living.

We would have

to do a

 Reverse Mortgage

to be able

 to afford it.

 

Hell...

We'll have to do

a Reverse Mortgage

to afford

to stay

in our home, here!

If my husband retires,

which he NEEDS to  do...

that is what we are

faced with...

 

Its

a

sign

of

the

times.

 

I am afraid

if we don't move back to

Calif NOW,

we may be PRICED OUT

of

the

market

in another 3-5 years.

 

I could live here

another 2-5 years

but no longer.

I want to be

with my family...

 

I

know

I

can't

hide

forever...

and

I don't want

to disappoint

Jerry

with my

"fraidy-cat"

attitude...

I

am

hanging on

tight;

but,

have

no

idea

what

will

happen

or

where

we

will

end

up.

 

Stay tuned.

 

February transitons...

I'm here...lots on my mind.  I have not figured out how to express it....yet. 

Is it me, or is time racing by?

Crazed and Confused...

I FEEL MAD

and TENSE!

but

WHY?

Journaling is not helping

FRUSTRATION
is building...

Not even
speed walking

the dog

helped....

My mind
is whirling,
twisting and turning,
breaking
and shooting
OFF
in too many directions...

My efforts to
corral, itemize.
 dissect
and analyze
are
not
working
either.

Get out the pad
for the PROS and CONS...

What
I really need
to do
is
get
quiet
so
when
the
answer
come
I
will
hear
it.