This afternoon, as I was walking my dog, we past an open garage, with the sweet, fine, sad music of Ireland wafting above a man working and humming softly....Suddenly I was overcome with emotion and began to cry...
Why? The thoughts that came to me were home and family. I knew then, our days are truly numbered here in Nevada. We must get back home...
Next week we leave for five days to house hunt. Every where we can afford, is closer to my children, grand children and family, then we are now, but still further than I want to be...
I feel like I am surrendering to the Universe. We will go and seek and I know in my heart we will find...something. When we return to Nevada, we will put the house up for sale. I am resolved that whatever we get for it, we get for it. I have no delusions we will make any kind of a profit...I must just take a deep breath and let it all go.
I found myself thinking about all the things we buy and purchase for our homes, to make it more of a home...and then in times like this, it seems so exhausting to haul it all around. The packing I have done is a drop in the bucket. There is still so very much to do.
I must get serious and start calling some moving companies and getting some estimates. Some how, some way, I have to find a way to let go of some of this stuff...or I will end up paying to haul it all back to California and so much of it, is "I might need this one day"....
Women of my Sacred Circle, please gather around me with your energy, friendship and strength that is in each of you, and please send me the power I will need to get this overwhelming challenge accomplished...
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
This is me, today...
I am so tired,
Confused
Overwhelmed
Undecided
Angry
Tense
Emotionally spent
Concerned
Worried
Searching
Trying desperately to connect
FRUSTRATED!
desperately
wanting
clarity.
So I need
sleep.
Still...
no matter what,
my glass
will
always be
half-full
~~dkb
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
How To Be Really Alive...
While packing, I found this. It made me smile. I don't remember when I got it...but I think it had to be from the 60's... I found it interesting, that I would still enjoy doing some of these things...
Live juicy.
Stamp out conformity.
Stay in bed all day.
Dream of Gypsy Wagons.
Find snails making love.
Develop an astounding appetite for books.
Drink sunsets.
Draw out your feelings.
Amaze yourself.
Be ridiculous.
Stop worrying...
Now. If not now, when?
Make YES your favoirte word.
Marry yourself.
Dry your clothes in the sun.
Eat mangoes naked.
Deep toys in the bathtub.
Spin yourself dizzy.
Hang upside down.
Follow a child.
Celebrate an old person.
send a love letter to yourself.
Be advaced.
Try endearing.
Invent new ways to love.
Transform negatives.
Delight someone.
Wear pajamas to a drive in movie.
Allow yourself to feel rich without money.
Be who you truly are and the money will follow.
Believe in everything.
You are always on your way to a miracle.
The miracle is you.
** SARK**
Anybody else remember this? Can anyone relate? Does it sound like it was from the 60's??
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Gut wisdom...
For every box I pack, I feel sicker inside.
My gut is screaming at me.
Don't move
until you have a place to go...
Don't
List
the house...
YET.
I feel I am doing the splits...
One leg is in Nevada
and one is in California
WHAT IS HOLDING ME BACK??!!
Maybe my gut knows
the house would sell fast
and with Murphy's Law...sure as shootin'...
It probably will,
If we don't have a house to move to...
Maybe it is not the right time...
Maybe there is something here,
still left undone...
I don't know
except to
Listen to my gut...
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Getting all packed up with no place to go...
Have not had much time for thinking deep thoughts, other than, "Will this fit into this box or do I have to go on another box hunt?"...
We have not found a place in Cali yet, searching on the internet a state away, is a challenging task to say the least! I am in the process of packing us up, regardless of having no place to go, because I have faith. We WILL find something. Once I get my blinders on, and dial in my focus, there is nothing that will stop me until I accomplish my goal.
It would be so much nicer if we DID have a house in Cali so I could use that as my light at the end of the tunnel, for motivation...and be excited about setting up and creating another homey, cozy abode for us in Cali...
I always have the mental images of my grand kids and my daughters faces, thinking about getting together with my sister, family and friends more. For now, that will have to be my motivation.
With this lousy weather, I have not been out walking in 2 or 3 days. Poor Izzy is absolutely stir crazy! I am too...but what else can I expect when I spend the majority of my day with my head in a box!
Let this be the last time I have to do this!
Let this be the time I finally "GET IT" and simplify our surroundings.
Let this be the last of my collecting...
Let this be our last move!!
We have not found a place in Cali yet, searching on the internet a state away, is a challenging task to say the least! I am in the process of packing us up, regardless of having no place to go, because I have faith. We WILL find something. Once I get my blinders on, and dial in my focus, there is nothing that will stop me until I accomplish my goal.
It would be so much nicer if we DID have a house in Cali so I could use that as my light at the end of the tunnel, for motivation...and be excited about setting up and creating another homey, cozy abode for us in Cali...
I always have the mental images of my grand kids and my daughters faces, thinking about getting together with my sister, family and friends more. For now, that will have to be my motivation.
With this lousy weather, I have not been out walking in 2 or 3 days. Poor Izzy is absolutely stir crazy! I am too...but what else can I expect when I spend the majority of my day with my head in a box!
Let this be the last time I have to do this!
Let this be the time I finally "GET IT" and simplify our surroundings.
Let this be the last of my collecting...
Let this be our last move!!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Women Who Run With The Wolves, Part II
Every once in awhile, when a certain mood comes over me, I must pull out my copy of Women Who Run With The Wolves; close my eyes, open the book and read what is on the page. I absolutely LOVE the way Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD, creates such inspiration with her writing...
From Chapter 13, Battle Scars: Membership in the Scar Clan...
" Tears are a river that take you somewhere. Weeping creates a river around the boat that carries your soul-life. Tears lift your boat off the rocks, off dry ground, carrying it downriver to someplace new, someplace better.
There are oceans of tears women have never cried, for they have been trained to carry mother's and father's secrets, men's secrets, society's secrets, and their own secrets, to the grave. A woman's crying has been considered quite dangerous, for it loosens the locks and bolts on the secrets she bears. But in truth, for the sake of a woman's wild soul, it is better to cry. For women, tears are the beginning of initiation into the Scar Clan, that timeless tribe of women of all colors, all nations, all languages, who down through the ages have lived through a great something, and yet who stood proud.
All women have personal stories as vast in scope and as powerful as the numen in fairy tales. But there is one kind of story in particular, which has to do with a woman's secrets, especially those associated with shame; these contain some of the most important stories a woman can give her time to unraveling. For most women, these secret stories are embedded, not like jewels in a crown, but like black gravel under the skin of the soul..."
I find myself crying more than I usually do lately. I think it is due to the emotional detachment/mourning to this place, this home I have created for my husband and myself. In many ways, I will miss it. I'll miss it, like, when we remember a special memory, of a special time, with a certain significance. I long to be around my daughters. I miss their laughter, watching their expressions when they talk with me. I want to see my youngest daughter's body grow and change, now that she is pregnant with her first child. I was there for my eldest daughter with her first, and I want to be close with her too.
I think of my grand sons, and how I marvel each time I travel to see them in California, how much their faces have changed, matured and how much taller they are. I HATE the fact I am so far from them. I think of my Dad, resigning himself to the black hole of Alzheimer's and knowing he is disappearing a little more every day. Time is so precious. We realize that when we age.
I think back to the river of tears I cried when my husband came here to Nevada, for a job interview, five summers ago, and was hired. Those tears of mine where joined with the tears of my eldest daughter who had just had her second son. She cried, fearing her sons would not know their grand parents. When I told her it was also my fear. I did not want my grand sons to forget us either, we knew we would make it work...and we have. She is wonderful about keeping us informed of what they are up to, and the cute things they say...we talk nearly every day.
Those river tears brought us to a better financial place. My husband had been out of work. I did not have to work, so I was free to travel back and forth to visit my family. They came out to visit and we made memories and happy times. We made the best of it. Now, it is time to go back home...
This book always brings back bittersweet memories, for it helped me through some difficult times...I know my place is back in California, closer to the little ones, who carry on our future. If I need motivation to help me to get organized and give me the momentum to get this house on the market, de-cluttered, sold, and to find another house to make into a home... their faces will propel me on to make it happen, despite my weary bones...
From Chapter 13, Battle Scars: Membership in the Scar Clan...
" Tears are a river that take you somewhere. Weeping creates a river around the boat that carries your soul-life. Tears lift your boat off the rocks, off dry ground, carrying it downriver to someplace new, someplace better.
There are oceans of tears women have never cried, for they have been trained to carry mother's and father's secrets, men's secrets, society's secrets, and their own secrets, to the grave. A woman's crying has been considered quite dangerous, for it loosens the locks and bolts on the secrets she bears. But in truth, for the sake of a woman's wild soul, it is better to cry. For women, tears are the beginning of initiation into the Scar Clan, that timeless tribe of women of all colors, all nations, all languages, who down through the ages have lived through a great something, and yet who stood proud.
All women have personal stories as vast in scope and as powerful as the numen in fairy tales. But there is one kind of story in particular, which has to do with a woman's secrets, especially those associated with shame; these contain some of the most important stories a woman can give her time to unraveling. For most women, these secret stories are embedded, not like jewels in a crown, but like black gravel under the skin of the soul..."
I find myself crying more than I usually do lately. I think it is due to the emotional detachment/mourning to this place, this home I have created for my husband and myself. In many ways, I will miss it. I'll miss it, like, when we remember a special memory, of a special time, with a certain significance. I long to be around my daughters. I miss their laughter, watching their expressions when they talk with me. I want to see my youngest daughter's body grow and change, now that she is pregnant with her first child. I was there for my eldest daughter with her first, and I want to be close with her too.
I think of my grand sons, and how I marvel each time I travel to see them in California, how much their faces have changed, matured and how much taller they are. I HATE the fact I am so far from them. I think of my Dad, resigning himself to the black hole of Alzheimer's and knowing he is disappearing a little more every day. Time is so precious. We realize that when we age.
I think back to the river of tears I cried when my husband came here to Nevada, for a job interview, five summers ago, and was hired. Those tears of mine where joined with the tears of my eldest daughter who had just had her second son. She cried, fearing her sons would not know their grand parents. When I told her it was also my fear. I did not want my grand sons to forget us either, we knew we would make it work...and we have. She is wonderful about keeping us informed of what they are up to, and the cute things they say...we talk nearly every day.
Those river tears brought us to a better financial place. My husband had been out of work. I did not have to work, so I was free to travel back and forth to visit my family. They came out to visit and we made memories and happy times. We made the best of it. Now, it is time to go back home...
This book always brings back bittersweet memories, for it helped me through some difficult times...I know my place is back in California, closer to the little ones, who carry on our future. If I need motivation to help me to get organized and give me the momentum to get this house on the market, de-cluttered, sold, and to find another house to make into a home... their faces will propel me on to make it happen, despite my weary bones...
Friday, March 5, 2010
I am beginning to feel like one of those "hoarders"...
Finding it very challenging to read the blogs I follow, write on my blogs, and keep up with my "Operation Simplify" project...
The more I dig into the piles of stuff I have been dragging around the majority of my life, the more I find myself questioning myself. Maybe that is it. I never questioned myself before. Like a "security blanket", I just kept hauling it, oblivious of its growing weight.
In an email with a friend the other day, I was so impressed with the amount of moving she has done in the past four years. She moved from New York, to San Francisco to Utah! She told me donates most of the furniture to the Salvation Army and deducts it on her taxes. She only keeps sentimental antique family heirlooms and replaces what she needs after the move by shopping at Thrift stores and Craig's List. She tosses everything she can live without. Keeping photo albums, diaries, certain irreplaceable cooking utensils, her pressure cooker, some special books, computers, and only the clothing that fits perfectly and that she knows she would wear. She does not move food, health or beauty products.
She really opened my eyes to a new way of re-thinking my life and de-cluttering. There is going to be one heck of a donation coming down the road...and bigger piles of trash hauled away. A yard sale would be a great idea if I did not live in this senior community where the rules don't permit them. I would have to ask my daughter in law to host one at her house, and rent a huge truck to haul everything over there!
It really is an eye-opener examining all the this stuff. I am beginning to feel like one of those "hoarders". I thought I let go of a lot on our last move. Now, I am beginning to see how much crap I still have! At one point I ran out of time and energy and just told myself, I would deal with it later... Well, later is HERE and demanding my immediate attention!
The more I dig into the piles of stuff I have been dragging around the majority of my life, the more I find myself questioning myself. Maybe that is it. I never questioned myself before. Like a "security blanket", I just kept hauling it, oblivious of its growing weight.
In an email with a friend the other day, I was so impressed with the amount of moving she has done in the past four years. She moved from New York, to San Francisco to Utah! She told me donates most of the furniture to the Salvation Army and deducts it on her taxes. She only keeps sentimental antique family heirlooms and replaces what she needs after the move by shopping at Thrift stores and Craig's List. She tosses everything she can live without. Keeping photo albums, diaries, certain irreplaceable cooking utensils, her pressure cooker, some special books, computers, and only the clothing that fits perfectly and that she knows she would wear. She does not move food, health or beauty products.
She really opened my eyes to a new way of re-thinking my life and de-cluttering. There is going to be one heck of a donation coming down the road...and bigger piles of trash hauled away. A yard sale would be a great idea if I did not live in this senior community where the rules don't permit them. I would have to ask my daughter in law to host one at her house, and rent a huge truck to haul everything over there!
It really is an eye-opener examining all the this stuff. I am beginning to feel like one of those "hoarders". I thought I let go of a lot on our last move. Now, I am beginning to see how much crap I still have! At one point I ran out of time and energy and just told myself, I would deal with it later... Well, later is HERE and demanding my immediate attention!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I AM...
Yesterday I was surfin' some Blogs, and read this cool little meme on Rochelle's Blog at http://www.rritchiespencer.com/ (Getting There),
who had gotten the idea from Caroline at
http://whimsywispers.blogspot.com/2010/02/i-am.html (Constantly Evolving),
who borrowed it from September Mom at
who collected it from Kitten at
who found it from the originator, Emalee at
http://ekrausch.blogspot.com/ (I Am Me)
I enjoyed peeling back the layers
of each woman's interpretation of the meme,
curious to find
the original impetus.
You might enjoy exploring their sites too...
Here is mine:
I AM: Donna
I THINK: too much (analyze)
I KNOW: how to be a friend
I WANT: to be a good person
I HAVE: all I need
I DISLIKE: dishonesty and prejudice
I MISS: my family and friends in California
I FEAR: snakes
I FEEL: intensely
I HEAR: Roberta Flack on the radio and Izzy chewing on her Bully Bone
I SMELL: burnt bacon...(I always do when I have a cold)...
I CRAVE: a sense of accomplishment
I USUALLY: make lists of things to do
I SEARCH: for my purpose and meaning to my life
I WONDER: whether my daughter will have a boy or a girl
I REGRET: wasting time
I LOVE: my husband, daughters, grandsons, family and friends
I CARE: about my fellow man
I ALWAYS: want to be positive
I WORRY: about my Dad
I REMEMBER: the good times
I HAVE: more patience for others than I do for myself
I DANCE: whenever the mood strikes me
I SING: horribly, but like to sing along with The Three Tenors while driving
I DON'T ALWAYS: appreciate what I have
I ARGUE: when I believe in something strongly
I WRITE: because it feels good
I LOSE: perspective with momentum and then beat myself up over it
I WISH: I could lose 20 pounds and have lower cholesterol and triglyceride numbers
I LISTEN: to my gut
I DON'T UNDERSTAND: why people have to choose sides
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: on one of my computers
I AM SCARED: of drowning
I NEED: my alone time to recharge
I FORGET: less than when I was going through menopause
I AM HAPPY: the majority of the time
I DREAM: of using a metal detector to treasure hunt on the beach
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